Every now and again, my wife likes to remind me about how she is so much younger than me — two weeks younger in fact. It started when I hit 30 and she was still 29. She would have a little boast about how she was still in her twenties but I was seemingly over the hill in my thirties.
So you can imagine her delight when I turned 37 years old. What is the significance of turning 37? Well, in my country, Australia, 37 is the median age of the population. All of a sudden, I found myself in the old half, while my wife was still in the young half — for two more weeks anyway. I am now older than 50% of of the people in my country. Or, to look at it another way, more than half of the people in my country have been born while I have been alive.
How the heck did this happen?
So, now that I’m officially old, I decided to write my A-Z of getting old so that when my wife joins me on the “old side” she will know what to expect. Happy aging everyone!
A is for adjusting the font size on your computer screen so large that it could actually be used for a billboard
B is for Bedtime and the fact that your children’s bedtimes are all later than your own
C is for candles and the fact that the space required for the the number of candles needed on your birthday cake far exceeds the size of the cake
D is for ‘Dad Jokes’ and laughing uproariously at your own wit while your children roll their eyes at you
E is for the existential crisis that you have pretty much every second day when you wonder what the heck you have done with your life
F is for forgetfulness — forgetting people’s names, forgetting where you parked the car, and forgetting how old your are
G is for the glasses that you can’t find anywhere because they’re on the top of your head, stupid.
H is for “hanging up the phone” and the fact that you’re still using this phrase even though no one has hung up a phone since the early nineties
I is for getting more invitations to funerals than to birthdays and weddings nowadays
J is for the jacket that you always take with you when you go out, even if it’s a hundred degrees outside. You just never know…
K is for knees and remembering the good old days when you referred to your knees as “right and left” instead of “good and bad”
L is for how you avoid lifting pretty much anything these days. Your exercise mainly consists of picking up the cat and moving it off the couch.
M is for your mortgage and the fact that you still haven’t paid it off. Oh well, I guess you can bequeath your debt to your kids… right?
N is for the nose and ear hair trimmer your kids gave you for your last birthday. Take the hint.
O is for the optometrist who tests your failing eyesight only for you to realize she is young enough to be your daughter
P is for the phrase you’ve started using: “Back in my day” often prefaced with “This never would have happened…”
Q is for quick dial — A list on your phone that includes your doctor, your pharmacist and your gastroenterologist (along with your children)
R is for the retirement village advertisements that keep popping up on your Facebook news feed (Maybe you should stop Google searching them?)
S is for sex… the lack of it, that is. When your partner says, “Do you want to go upstairs and have sex?” your response is, “I’m too tired to do both.”
T is for the TV that you are no longer smart enough to independently operate and so you ask your 10-year-old for help
U is for how unimpressed you are that the new manager at your workplace is half your age and calls you “bro”
V is for vacuuming up all the the hair that you find around the place, only to realize it came from your own head, and not the dog
W is for walking into a room, immediately forgetting why you walked into that room, turning around and walking back out and in again, hoping that it jogs your memory
X is for the X-rays that you got for your bad back, your stiff neck and pretty much everything else in your body that’s failing
Y is for the year that you were born no longer being available on drop-down menus — you have to scroll waaaaay down to find it
Z is for the Zzzzzz and always falling asleep on the couch before the final scene of the movie and never finding out what happened in the end
This post was previously published on P.S. I Love You and is republished here with permission from the author.
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