I am a fixer. I want to fix you. I want to fix your sister. I want to fix everyone.
I have this undying need to make everyone happy.
It’s quite toxic and I am learning to live with it, without causing harm to myself.
I would like to share a great piece of advice that my best friend and I stumbled onto, accidentally. We didn’t mean to do it. We’re not some professional relationship gurus. When it happened, we both kind of looked at each other for a split second.
Like, did we just evolve in our friendship and within ourselves?
I would like to share this knowledge in hopes that it helps other relationships and friendships like it has mine.
Here it is!
Would you like me to just listen so you can get it out, OR would you like my advice/opinion on the topic?
This is the golden question I use now. It works every time. It can, also, catch people off guard, because they aren’t accustomed to being listened to.
Here’s how you use it:
When a loved one comes to you and is venting about a situation that you want to share the same frustration with them. DON’T.
When a loved one is upset about a job or anything in general in there life that just isn’t going right and you want to give advice in hopes of fixing it. DON’T.
Some of my worst fights with loved ones started as one of us venting to the other. When my best friend would vent to me and I would of course add to his venting session, he would tell me to stop. Sometimes he even got upset because he thought I was attacking him. He didn’t want me to agree and make all the same comments.
I remember venting to a loved one and instead of listening, they wanted to give me a (insert number here) step process to fix it. I’m not stupid. In fact, most people are not stupid. They know the answer to their problems. They already know how to fix it. The last thing they need is for someone else to tell them how to fix it. They need someone to just Listen.
When you ask them this question, it lets them know that you care and you want to be supportive. It allows them to say what they need to say without being judged. They know that they can say what they need to say and it be done and over with.
I’m telling you, it works every time.
It has made my friendships and relationships stronger with the people I love. I fight less. I understand more. It’s also opened my ears and heart when someone is actually speaking. Instead of coming up with a response, my brain is fully focused on their words and emotions.
It’s brilliant and it’s so simple, it’s crazy.
Hopefully, this golden question will strengthen your relationships like it has mine!
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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