The Good Men Project https://goodmenproject.com The Conversation No One Else Is Having Fri, 18 Jun 2021 21:34:11 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.7.2 A Temporary, Awesome Way To Make Your Mood Better https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/a-temporary-awesome-way-to-make-your-mood-better/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/a-temporary-awesome-way-to-make-your-mood-better/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 23:00:27 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=689690 It works.

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Constant positivity, are you tired of it? Why can’t you be gloomy? It is human, and we are human. Spill your guts about the parts of you you hate, the ones that you take part in selfishly. And yes, you didn’t learn anything from them. You have no positive angle to give. Why don’t you revel in this?

Is that what you are thinking? I understand. I’ve been there too. Then you are wondering why I would write another be-positive article all over again. Why am I betraying myself?

It’s because crappy moods are the worst. You can’t evade them, I know, and I am not telling you to. This works for a short while.

Crappy moods make me cranky. Most of the time, I withdraw from people to protect them from myself and deal with my issues. Whoever said misery loves company must have been seriously extroverted because it is the complete opposite for me.

Last Sunday, I woke up in a mood.

Sad thoughts, feeling insignificant in my life and not in the place I want to be. I have a bigger problem than my mood. I know that. But that day, I had a lot of work to do, house chores that would get harder if I continued my negative thinking. For an hour to three, I needed vitality, good energy that would make my work more bearable.

So I started by trying to change my thoughts. Thinking of how things will better things, I will move out, get my place. Yeah, that is about it for me now. It is the one thing I want now and was supposed to make me happier, better. Five thoughts later, I was out. I could not come up with any grander thing to push myself away from the horizon of gloom. I was even now sadder. Angry that my thoughts had not yielded what I expected.

So I decided to speak and pray.

Give me a minute here. You do not need to go on your knees, place your hands together and seek a mighty creator of the universe to absolve you of your nastiness. No, you do not.

What I mean is I had a conversation with myself, with just enough volume to hear what I was saying. It went like this,

Me 1: Hey Maggie, I need to talk to you.
Me 2: Yes, speak.
Me 1: I want to tell you that I am sad today. Nothing is working out for me. I want to move out, to have a place separate for myself and my kids.
Me 2: And?
Me 1: I do not feel pretty this morning, my hair is a total mess, and I have pimples on the left side of my face.
Me 2: Is that all?
Me 1: No.

Well, the conversation went a little further than that but let me stop here for now. I was laughing while crying throughout that conversation. I forgot even what I was thinking.

I was always led to believe and was firm of the idea that our thoughts inform our mood. Nothing tramps that. They are the roots, and everything stems from them. That is not true.

We can change what we think, how we feel by what we say.

Spoken words have the power we always think they do. We forget to tell them to ourselves. When was the last time you spoke to yourself? Maybe not long ago, but did you reply? You need to. The words you say back make the difference.

All you need is yourself, your mouth, and your voice. Do not go reading off a book or anything else; you do not usually practice conversations beforehand. Sit down where you feel most comfortable, speak back to yourself and answer your questions.

For an hour or two when you need to. Get yourself in a better mood by talking back. It is what helped me that day, try it out and see that it works.
It is a great way to change your mood, albeit temporary.

This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.

***


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A Touching, Emotional Story Gets Told in ‘Fatherhood’ https://l2b2.com/?man=arts/touching-story-gets-told-fatherhood-jsnk/ https://l2b2.com/?man=arts/touching-story-gets-told-fatherhood-jsnk/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 22:30:21 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=692079 fatherhood, comedy, drama, kevin hart, lil rey howery, review, netflixA very touching tale gets told in ‘Fatherhood’ Kevin Hart has played a lot of characters in his career. Some of my favorites had to be in Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle and Jumanji: The Next Level. He also gave a really great performance in The Upside. When I heard about Fatherhood I was looking…

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A very touching tale gets told in ‘Fatherhood’

Kevin Hart has played a lot of characters in his career. Some of my favorites had to be in Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle and Jumanji: The Next Level. He also gave a really great performance in The Upside. When I heard about Fatherhood I was looking forward to seeing it. I was able to get a screener for this movie and here is what I thought of it.

fatherhood, comedy, drama, kevin hart, lil rey howery, review, netflix

(c) Netflix

You can read the plot for Fatherhood here:

In this heartwarming, funny and emotional true story, Kevin Hart stars as a widower taking on one of the toughest jobs in the world: fatherhood. 

fatherhood, comedy, drama, kevin hart, lil rey howery, review, netflix

(c) Netflix

This was a really well done film. Kevin Hart gives his best performance in years. He delivers lots of good dramatic moments and brings good comedy without it ever feeling forced. The story was a touching one about a dad who is trying to do his best after a terrible tragedy happens. Thanks to help from friends and love they refuse to let anything stop them from raising their daughter right. This may not be a movie for everyone but many people will like it.

fatherhood, comedy, drama, kevin hart, lil rey howery, review, netflix

(c) Netflix

Fatherhood is available now on Netflix.

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Are You Experiencing Resistance Fatigue? https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/are-you-experiencing-resistance-fatigue/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/are-you-experiencing-resistance-fatigue/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 22:00:03 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=686313 “ I incorporate my resistance with my passion... And I never grow tired.”

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In the wake of the first week of the new administration and the response to the massive and disturbing changes that have occurred, I, like many people I know have engaged in letter writing, petition signing, phone calling, rallying, getting on social media and spreading the word far and wide. I have a sign on my front lawn that reads “Hate Has No Home Here”. Daily I am poised to do something to ride the emotional tsunami. I have found myself listening to NPR, reading news stories from CNN, Daily Kos and of course, The Huffington Post, almost obsessively, feeling that somehow they are each a haven of truth, in the swamp of ‘alternative facts’.

I have been inundated by the same posts on my news thread that herald potential devastation, beyond what has already occurred. I pen articles that reflect my social sensibilities and share commentary on my Facebook page and in response to those posted by others. Most of the feedback is supportive, with a few trolling provocative comments that drip with disdain. I do my best not to match energies with them and instead, use measured and rational responses rather than attempting to put out the fire with gasoline, which could become even more incendiary. Sometimes they continue to cast aspersions on my beliefs in ways that have me rolling my eyes. The terms ‘libtard’ and ‘snowflake’ are cast about as if they were poison darts.

I’ve heard a new term going around ― ‘resistance fatigue’ ― a sense of becoming tired of protesting and being vigilant and on top of things. Last Saturday, I was one of the Philly 50,000 who took to the streets of ‘The City of Brotherly Love and Sisterly Affection,’ as it is colloquially referred to.

Surrounded by kindred spirits of all ages, gender identity, skin hue and tone, size, national origin and religious beliefs, I felt reassured in the knowlege that together, we were stronger than hate. It was a foggy and overcast day, but the mist hovered above the buildings, kept aloft, it seemed, by our collective intention.

Yesterday, I wanted to go to the Philadelphia airport to join friends who were standing up in support of immigrants but didn’t have the energy to even get out of pj’s. I felt guilty until I realized that balance is needed: it’s a marathon and not a sprint. I queried friends about their experience in that realm and was heartened by their responses.

“Yep. Overwhelmed. Doing “Daily Action” helps ‘cause it’s just one item (phone call) & very easy.”

“Mindset and heartset…. being an advocate, minister in crisis areas, a special needs mom, a daughter and primary caregiver to a parent with Alzheimers living at home in advanced stages… well… many, many issues present themselves, that in classes I offer I present the difference between resistance and flow, and sustainable steps instead of explosive let me pay attention to all of it at once and feel compelled to act and to announce the actions. I am seeing tons of people who got shook from complacency into alarm and this created an urgency and lots of outgoing attention and energy. Meanwhile, despite them claiming spiritualness, the fear moving in them is clogging the flow inward, hence depletion experienced outward. Shift from fear and loss of control to allowing an intuitive flow and divine influx to aide in the divine orchestrations at the moment. Not everyone knows the drumbeat or the dance steps. And the number of people needing attention to process their feelings is fascinating.. this is draining the collective as well.”

“ Yes you much take a day or two off, get a massage, take a nice long bath and rest. Watch a funny movie, spend time with family. Do something that is not stressful, but stress free. Relax your mind. Sleep! it is all good. Others are helping you. you are not alone.”

“That makes sense…part of me wants to unplug bc each new piece i read sends me reeling and a sense of hopelessness. Trying to focus on the good people and that at least there is an awareness and fight in most of us. But I felt myself crash last night. To inoculate myself I pulled out paints and playing with that and

“ I incorporate my resistance with my passion… and I never grow tired.” of course…playing with the babies.”

“Taking some sort of action has really helped me with the hopelessness .”

“ I’m doing short shifts…..an hour of protesting instead of full day etc.”

“ I’m trying to do this too. Get there early, put in my time, go home, and still have time to enjoy the day! “

“ We can take turns. Sustainability is the key thing. “

“Yes, I believe moderation maintains the marathon. Need times to regroup and gather strength of body and mind. It can become so exhausting with no breaks.“

“ It will have to be in shifts. But I can only imagine what Americans are going through. I keep asking myself as a Canadian, what can I do? Any thoughts from my American friends here?”

“ Tired? It just began.”

“ Balance. You have to maintain some quality time for yourself so you can give it quality to what it is you’re doing. I wanted to go to a protest with Heidi yesterday, but I just had too much to do and I also needed a break from resistance. Although I put many posts regarding my disgust of the many things going on. Sometimes resistance is actively physical, sometimes it’s actively written through opinion, sometimes it’s an actively personal battle with yourself. We have to expect to having to take a break every once in awhile and to expect that others will take up your mantle for a time, just like you expect yourself to take up their mantle when they need quality time to recharge. This does not mean we are giving up, it just means we are taking care of ourselves. “

“ And I believe that is their goal – tire us out with an onslaught .”

“ It is like hypervigilance toward the abuse of others.”

“I was just thinking along those lines as well…there has been so much reaction this first week, that there is the concern that we will not be able to maintain this, and/or that it will become less meaningful because it is happening all the time- not sure what the answer is. “

“ I connect with Earth Mother and source her powerful energy. And take baths… Not really sure beyond that. It’s a day to day thing.”

“ I look into news that helps, not just infuriates me. I choose not to listen to DT in his speeches because I had an ex that lied a lot and I got sick of spending time deciding if the information I was getting was real. I look for the doers and find things I can do. Then I put limits on my Facebook time. I cleaned my groups and pages out earlier this year to help me stay focused on real news and things I can do and got rid of adrenaline inducing pages that were more about complaining than action.”

“ I felt guilty that I had tuned out of all social media on Saturday to do research on a book, and saw what had happened in my own hood! But ya know, they got the job accomplished without me! It was okay I wasn’t there. We all need to take care of our own lives alongside of being aware of what is going on and contributing where we can. We need to get enough sleep, turn off social media, and renew spiritually daily. Become spiritual ninjas! “

“ Nope. We’re only just begun. However, self-care for anyone is always important, especially if you are fighting for survival. At some airports, folks were showing up in what seemed to be shifts, that is what #TheResistance needs on a daily basis. You’re doing your part Edie! Can’t be everywhere all the time.”

“ Unattached to the result. Act because you are led to Act. Do NOT let what is happening get under skin .”

“ Maybe we should be working towards something we want instead of fighting a dying system.”

“ I’m planning a program for Wednesday Night on that very thing. I’m starting to wonder if we shouldn’t choose just one or two things to be passionately focused on. With the thought that through natural selection everything would be more than adequately covered. It seems that working TOGETHER we can accomplish far more than any one trying to do it all.”

“ I pay very close attention to my body, energy level, vibration and intuition. The key for me is to be vibrationally aligned within yourself and then act. I journal each day to release a lot of emotion and thinking around what’s happening right now as well as other personal stuff. I wrote this morning about the need for all types of reaction and resistance, in whatever shape or form it takes.”

“ I said I was feeling as such last week already. Just reading the information is overwhelming, and exhausting. I decided to set aside a certain amount of time pre day to catch up on the news, sign petitions, write letters, etc. And stop continually checking FB. This weekend I also realized, and came to peace with the fact, that I cannot attend every single protest. I currently have 6 scheduled in my planner between now and June. I’m sure I will attend more in that time frame, but I can’t drop everything and go protest every single day. As important as it is, the rest of life still needs attention. We ALL know if we don’t care for ourselves we WILL burnout, and we NEED to be in this for the long haul. We can do it TOGETHER.”

“ I try to do some sort of “action step” once a day.. for as little as 15 minutes. I try to have a goal at least once a week to attend a meeting, rally, etc… I find that being around like-minded people and doing an action in a group seems to energize me and strengthen my resolve. May we all hold each other up.. It is going to be a marathon.”

“ Absolutely agree; this is the long game. Rest, resist, rinse repeat.”

“ Thomas Merton: “There is a pervasive form of modern violence to which the idealist…most easily succumbs: activism and over-work. The rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of its innate violence. To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence. The frenzy of the activist neutralizes his (or her) work… It destroys the fruitfulness of his (or her)…work, because it kills the root of inner wisdom which makes work fruitful.”

“We are living in very intense times. Everyone is feeling something from somewhere all across the world. Each day, I start my day stretching and also a page of “healthy” reading and a prayer. Try and balance the day best I can, then at night a prayer of gratitude. Eat well, water, excercise…talk to people that lift you up.”

“ There are many ways to be “active”. There is no one “right way”. How many demonstrations does the Dalai Lama plan or attend each year? Yet his influence is in the millions and his spirituality is quite political in its own way, just in his being as a representative of Tibet. Vibrational healing can be as important as physical action. This world is constructed so that those motivated to “march” will do so, or other 3D things. In the 60’s it was the kids and hippies who protested primarily in non civil rights action. The Dem convention of 1968 showed the fangs of conventional society and contempt. When Reagan slaughtered thousands in Central America and committed treason, the majority didn’t care. Bush and Cheney were REELECTED after lying their way into a war killing hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and killing and maiming thousands of Americans. Now a huge portion of the country is up in arms. Trump is wildly unpopular after a week in office. This might be considered progress.”

“ I made a similar point to a friend today that there are many ways to be “active.” I like the optimism, too. I share it.”

“ Liquid amino acids and vitamins. Energy work takes a toll on the body. So does stress. Extra support during this time is good .”

“ Self compassion. I do what I feel I can, then remind myself I am human and can’t go/do 24/7. I have to rest and care for myself if I am to be any good to anyone! “

“ Pick your battles…long 2 years coming up (assuming we can flip things at midterm).”

“ Support all the protesters morally whether it’s women’s rights, immigrants, Muslims, Blacks, etc however physically pick those issues which are closest to your interests. Otherwise, yep we will get burnt out .”

“ Or you could ask any PoC how we’ve been managing it for the last 400 years. We call it racial battle fatigue. Welcome to our world. It ain’t pretty.”

“ Helplessness is another term that comes to mind. A sense that the problem is too big to do anything about it, so nothing gets done. Not to feed guilt, but to recognize that I imagine many people feel very trapped and frozen.”

“We must learn that passively to accept an unjust system is to cooperate with that system, and thereby to become a participant in its evil.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

I am choosing to resist the current state of affairs and the unjust system of which Dr. King spoke. I know that had he lived, he would have been right there with us.

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How To Write a Tinder Bio That Will Make Someone Swipe Right https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/how-to-write-a-tinder-bio-that-will-make-someone-swipe-right/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/how-to-write-a-tinder-bio-that-will-make-someone-swipe-right/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 21:00:46 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=681933 Since Tinder is an incredibly simple app that only allows you to add photos and write a bio, it’s on you to make your bio stand out.

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I met my husband on Tinder. By the time I matched with him, I’d been on the app for a few months, gone on several dates with a whole range of men, and I‘d gotten some much-needed clarity about what I wanted.

My now-husband had exactly one picture, his first name and age, his place of employment, and then nothing in his bio. Tinder bios matter, especially for men seeking women, so it’s hilarious that he didn’t need much of one to snag me.

Since meeting and then marrying my love off of Tinder, I’ve been asked time and time again, “How did you do it?” Many of my friends have pulled up their dating profiles for me to look at and provide advice, and since Tinder is a great haystack you have to weed through, I decided it might be time to compile an all-inclusive guide to writing Tinder bios.

Statistically, men are more likely to decide whether to swipe left or right by just looking at a woman’s pictures. They may read her bio if she matches with him, but in a survey of over 130,000 male Tinder users, most never read the woman’s profile at all. Men also often are less selective in whom they match with. Some men surveyed said they swiped right on every woman just to see who might match with them.

Conversely, women are much more selective. They are more likely to look through the photos as well asread the bios before deciding to swipe right or left, so the bio is much more important for a man looking for women than for a woman looking for men.

Since Tinder is an incredibly simple app that only allows you to add photos and write a bio, it’s on you to make your bio stand out.

What You Should Include in Your Tinder Bio

You have some blank space to fill and how you do that is entirely up to you, but here are some tips to follow to make your bio stand out every time:

1. Stick to 500 characters or less.

This is your opportunity to say more with less. Focus on your values and priorities and what you want and what you like. You don’t want to write a dating manifesto, but you also want to give them more than just a sentence.

2. Try to be funny.

You’ve got to stand out, and one way you can do that is by writing a couple of funny lines that still showcase your personality. You get to present yourself however you want, and showing yourself as someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously is a great way to start.

3. Say what you’re looking for.

Since you may want to go ahead and not match with men or women who aren’t interested in whatever you are, you can go ahead and put that in your profile. Remember: they may not even read your profile, but at least you’ll have been clear on your end.

If you’re interested in something more long-term, saying something like, “Not here for hook-ups, looking for dates, or looking for dates that could lead to something more” would be best. Those statements are clear and to the point and don’t make it sound like you’re going to want to get married on the second date.

If you’re interested in something more casual, say that too! “Not interested in something serious, only looking for a hook-up” etc. are clear.

If you have no idea what you’re looking for, say that too because then you’re at least being honest.

4. Include your height.

It may sound silly, but some men and women are very picky about the heights of their mates. Some men only find short women attractive, while others love the tall ladies. Some women prefer men over 6”; others don’t care. If you include your height in your profile, you’re going to again help limit your matches to people who are looking for the exact kind of person you are.

5. Be honest.

While you may feel like you don’t have to be honest because this is online dating, you still should be, especially if you’re hoping for something more than a casual hook-up. Be clear about who you are, what you want, and what you’re like.

6. Check your spelling and grammar.

Grammar nazis like myself automatically swipe left if they read a profile that has poor grammar.

Nearly everyone is on Tinder, which includes doctors, lawyers, teachers, and other highly educated people. If you’re interested in snagging a gorgeous erudite man or woman, you’ll need to make sure that your bio doesn’t immediately count you out.

Grammarly is a free browser add-on that checks for grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors. Grammarcheck is also a free website that allows you to do the same thing without downloading an extension. You can copy and paste your Tinder bio in the box and let it check your handiwork.

Once you’ve had your grammar, spelling, and punctuation checked, you can copy and paste the final version into your Tinder profile and feel assured that your profile won’t rule you out from matching with someone well-educated!

In conclusion:

  • Be you, as authentically you as possible, in as brief a way as possible.
  • Be clear to try to limit the number of matches you get with people who aren’t into what you’re into.
  • Check your grammar or have it checked for you.

How to Write Your Tinder Bio

1. Make the first line something funny or catchy.

This could be where you tell a joke, be self-deprecating, or highlight some weird or unique aspect of your personality, job, or life.

Some examples:

  • I’m an upper respiratory nurse, which means once I take your breath away, I can help you get it back.
  • I really just want a girl/boyfriend so I can always ride in the HOV lane.
  • Have you ever said, “F*ck the police?” Well, here’s your chance.
  • Dating me ensures you’ll always be the better-looking one.

2. Write about who you are.

Be specific, and know that the more random or weird, the better.

Some examples:

  • I am a huge college football fan, an amateur chef, and an owner of one lucky dog.
  • I floss. That’s how responsible I am.
  • Every unhappy girl is unhappy in her own way. My kind of unhappy is full of self-deprecating humor and local brews.
  • About me: I love stinky cheese, the foam at the top of my beer, and going camping by myself.

3. Write about what you’re looking for.

Highlight your personality while also making clear what you’re interested in.

Some examples:

  • I don’t want a partner in crime. I commit all my crimes on my own. I would never drag you into that.
  • I want someone who can be happily miserable with me.
  • You have stories to share, think dad jokes are funny, and enjoy a good meal with a nice gentleman.
  • Like my shirt? It’s made of boyfriend material.
  • I’m just on here for sex. Isn’t everyone?

4. End with some sort of call to action.

A “call to action” is where you give someone an opening for what to message you about. It removes the guesswork out of messaging.

Some examples:

  • I hate squirrels. They’re just fluffy rats.
  • I love guacamole and people who tell terrible jokes.
  • Tell me a recent idea that intrigued you.
  • Looking forward to going to ________. If you have any tips on what I should see, definitely let me know.

Whatever you’re looking for on Tinder is just a swipe away. Make sure to write a profile that highlights the most honest and best versions of yourself, and make it catchy bio so that whoever you’re looking for won’t be able to swipe right fast enough!

This post was previously published on Medium.

***


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Getting Aligned https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/getting-aligned-kpkn/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/getting-aligned-kpkn/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 20:30:57 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=691337 The New Happy Podcast with Stephanie Harrison

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Happiness doesn’t come from living a “perfect” life. It comes from creating a life that’s aligned with who you are: one that connects your true self to what you do, how you live, how you connect, and how you serve.

 

 

Previously Published on The New Happy

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Confidence in Dating Is Hard: 2 Ways To Boost Yours Immediately [Video] https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/confidence-in-dating-is-hard-2-ways-to-boost-yours-immediately-video/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/confidence-in-dating-is-hard-2-ways-to-boost-yours-immediately-video/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 20:00:49 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=690427 I’ll show you how to craft a confidence that’s unique to you: one that doesn’t rely on the achievement of some external goal, and one deeply rooted in who you already are.

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We’re told all our lives that confidence is the key to everything from our careers to our love lives, but few things can feel more nebulous or fleeting.

Even when we finally achieve the things we thought would give us confidence, it often slips just a little more out of reach. Life becomes a chase of “I’ll finally feel confident when . . .” and that “when” rarely materializes.

In today’s video, I’ll show you how to craft a confidence that’s unique to you: one that doesn’t rely on the achievement of some external goal, and one deeply rooted in who you ALREADY are.

P.S. Be sure to watch all the way to the end to discover the secret project I’ve been working on and how you can be a part of it. This one’s HUGE. I’ve never done anything like it, and it won’t cost you a thing. Please let me know in the comments once you’ve signed up!

 

Transcript provided by YouTube:

00:00
stay till the end of this video no
00:01
matter what else you do
00:03
because i have something very special to
00:05
announce at the end of it
00:06
that i have never ever done before
00:10
and it is going to change the game on
00:12
your
00:13
confidence well we did a video last week
00:16
and i asked you to leave a comment i
00:18
said here’s the comment i’d love you to
00:20
leave me what is
00:22
the thing that you feel is holding you
00:25
back
00:25
from being the most confident version of
00:27
yourself here’s what you wrote
00:29
the thing that’s holding me back from
00:30
being the most confident version of
00:32
myself
00:33
is the fact that every relationship that
00:35
i have had in the last several years
00:37
mostly short term ended with the person
00:40
leaving me
00:40
chronic health problems most guys
00:43
wouldn’t want to deal
00:44
with them or have the maturity to
00:45
embrace me with them
00:47
yesterday i had a realization that my
00:49
crush
00:50
may not be as interested in me as i am
00:53
in him
00:53
the thing that makes me insecure is my
00:55
age i’m almost
00:57
in the mid-30s me too stephen
01:01
and seeing all of the other friends
01:03
married or have partners in life makes
01:05
me feel bad for myself
01:07
and worthless well i suppose part of the
01:10
link between all of these things
01:12
is that there is a universality to
01:15
insecurity to having our confidence
01:18
knocked at different stages of our life
01:20
i mean that’s the thing about confidence
01:22
isn’t it you can have
01:23
had it at one stage you can relate maybe
01:25
to a moment in your life where you felt
01:27
confident
01:28
and then something happened in your life
01:30
that knocked you and now you’re trying
01:32
to get it back or
01:33
maybe you never felt as confident as
01:36
other people and you’re wondering
01:38
what is this confidence thing people
01:41
have what
01:41
even is confidence confidence is
01:45
defined literally as a feeling of
01:47
certainty
01:49
about the truth of something and
01:52
when we look at that idea of certainty
01:55
it
01:56
i mean there’s your problem right we
01:59
don’t feel certain about an
02:01
awful lot in our lives and that’s why
02:05
even when our lives appear on the
02:06
surface to be going right
02:08
we can still not feel confident
02:09
confidence itself exists
02:12
independently of the good and bad things
02:16
in our lives if you don’t consider
02:19
yourself to be confident in dating i’ll
02:21
bet you
02:22
that that lack of confidence follows you
02:24
through every stage of the process
02:26
right now you might be trying to meet
02:28
someone and you might not feel confident
02:29
in that you may be wondering am i ever
02:31
going to meet someone i never meet
02:32
anyone i like
02:33
i’m messaging someone on an app they
02:36
didn’t message me the last two days now
02:37
i feel rejected
02:39
or it’s never materializing into a date
02:41
and that’s making me feel like i’m
02:43
hopeless that i’m not worthy of a date
02:45
maybe you get on a date with an
02:46
attractive person and you think
02:48
here we go i should feel confident now
02:49
because i’m actually on a date with an
02:51
attractive person only now a new
02:53
insecurity creeps in
02:54
i’m not good enough for this person or
02:56
you look at other pretty people in the
02:58
restaurant and think
02:59
they’ve got something i haven’t they’re
03:01
prettier than me my date is more busy
03:03
looking at them
03:04
than he is looking at me or maybe you
03:06
get off of that date and into seeing
03:08
each other and you think well i should
03:10
be confident now right we’re seeing each
03:11
other
03:12
we’re regularly sleeping together and
03:14
having a great time and it seems to be
03:16
in a good place only now your insecurity
03:19
is the fact that
03:21
you’re going into people-pleaser mode
03:22
and you keep going out of your way to do
03:25
everything for this person
03:26
you see them in their part of town you
03:28
see them on their watch their schedule
03:30
you feel like you’re doing everything to
03:32
make them happy but they’re not trying
03:34
as hard
03:34
am i not worthy of this person trying as
03:36
hard but you don’t say anything because
03:38
you don’t feel confident enough
03:40
to ask for what you really want the lack
03:42
of confidence follows us to every stage
03:45
well if you’re getting a relationship
03:46
with that person should feel confident
03:48
now right you’ve got the person you’re
03:50
in a relationship
03:51
only now you feel like you’re not good
03:53
enough to keep that person how will i
03:54
ever hold
03:56
this person i’m not good enough for them
03:58
secretly
03:59
i know that and they know that one day
04:01
they’re going to wake up and they’re
04:02
going to realize
04:03
they can get someone better than me more
04:05
successful wittier funnier prettier
04:08
younger and that plagues you even
04:11
within what could or even should be a
04:14
happy relationship
04:16
and so what do we do in order to be more
04:18
confident we build up all these stocks
04:20
in different areas of our lives we try
04:22
and fix things don’t we
04:24
let me get the best body i can because
04:26
that will make me feel confident let me
04:28
get the best job i can because that’ll
04:30
make me feel important let me
04:32
put some money in the bank because that
04:33
will make me feel confident in my
04:35
financial security
04:36
let me make myself as pretty as possible
04:39
because
04:40
confidence lies on the other side of
04:41
that let me get into a relationship
04:44
because that will make me finally feel
04:46
okay except
04:47
in truth none of these things really
04:51
work if confidence lay on the other side
04:55
of a great body a relationship
04:58
a great job then there would be
05:01
confident people
05:02
everywhere but it doesn’t that’s the
05:05
first problem with putting our
05:07
confidence in these things is that
05:08
they’re volatile
05:10
they’re volatile stocks it’s like
05:11
building a house on quicksand
05:13
you’re only as good as that thing
05:16
staying the same
05:17
the problems with putting our confidence
05:19
in those stocks is always highlighted
05:21
when something in life happens to remind
05:23
us
05:24
that that thing can change and that
05:26
we’ve got too much of our self-worth
05:28
wrapped up in it a few weeks ago i got a
05:30
stye
05:31
right really puffed up my eye made it
05:33
look a mess
05:34
immediately i was like i don’t want to
05:35
do a video today even this week
05:38
i don’t want to do a video and it was
05:40
annoying it was uncomfortable
05:41
and it was like just this little
05:43
reminder oh yeah look
05:45
look at you think you’re confident but
05:47
just this little thing
05:48
can throw you off right now that’s a
05:51
nice reminder and that’s natural that’s
05:53
human right it happens to the best of us
05:54
but
05:56
in that moment it’s a nice little signal
05:59
to reorient where we’re placing our
06:01
value
06:02
where we’re placing our confidence are
06:05
we placing it in things
06:06
that can just be taken away from us
06:08
hence why these things don’t work
06:10
because we’re trying to find
06:12
certainty in things that are inherently
06:14
uncertain
06:15
and changeable but the second problem is
06:18
that even if those things are going well
06:20
it still doesn’t guarantee confidence
06:23
you know uh
06:24
i was told by a premiership footballer
06:26
from decades ago who once won the golden
06:29
boot meaning they scored the most goals
06:31
out of any player in the premiership
06:34
league that season he said the next
06:38
season after winning the golden boot
06:39
you’d think
06:40
amazing right won the golden boot riding
06:42
on on
06:43
a high he said the next season was the
06:46
worst season of my career because i
06:48
could never live up to that the best i
06:50
could do was live up to that
06:51
right and and that was literally the
06:53
best i could do more likely is
06:55
i would fail i wouldn’t live up to my
06:57
last season
06:58
so even when we’re winning that doesn’t
07:01
guarantee
07:02
confidence a lack of confidence or an
07:04
insecurity
07:05
follows us to the top and of course when
07:08
we put our value in these stocks am i as
07:10
pretty as that person
07:12
am i as successful as that person am i
07:15
as intelligent or witty as that person
07:16
when we put our
07:18
value in these stocks we start to invite
07:21
comparison because we compare our stocks
07:23
with other people’s stocks and now we’re
07:26
in a
07:27
dating game of top trumps where
07:30
we’re just a series of playing cards
07:32
being drawn against each other
07:34
and you’re always afraid that you’re
07:35
going to be drawn against someone
07:37
who’s scoring higher in all of the major
07:40
categories money
07:41
success looks you know all of these
07:44
things that
07:45
we look at and go those are objective
07:47
measures of how attractive and confident
07:50
someone should be i remember when i was
07:52
starting out in my career
07:54
i was about 18 i wanted to be great at
07:56
public speaking
07:58
having this thought that you know tony
08:01
robbins was this incredible public
08:03
speaker
08:04
who could captivate thousands of people
08:06
in an audience at a time
08:08
i remember having the insecurity that
08:10
well no matter how good i
08:12
get i’ll never be as as
08:15
persuasive or as powerful on stage as
08:18
tony robbins
08:19
because of his sheer physical presence
08:22
the height of him the
08:24
breadth of him this is a giant man
08:27
literally i’ll never be that i’ll never
08:30
have that no matter how hard i work
08:32
and therefore maybe i’ll never command
08:35
the
08:35
stage the way that he does what’s
08:38
dangerous about that comparison is we
08:39
try and
08:40
emulate somebody else in a way that can
08:42
have us drifting further and further
08:44
from
08:45
our true nature but what’s more
08:47
insidious about that kind of comparison
08:49
is that we end up discounting and often
08:52
ignoring completely what works about
08:54
us thank god i didn’t get stuck on that
08:57
thought about not being as tall as tony
08:59
robbins
08:59
who is by the way because of course
09:03
the reason that people connect with me
09:07
is specific to me and to my relationship
09:11
with people to something that people
09:14
connect with in my energy
09:16
dare i say my essence and i think
09:18
essence is a very
09:19
interesting word because have you ever
09:22
walked past a couple
09:23
and secretly thought to yourself one of
09:26
the couple
09:27
seemed a lot more attractive and there
09:30
was that
09:31
part of you that terrible part of you
09:34
that thought
09:35
how did he or she get him or her
09:39
but the truth is we don’t know
09:43
the essence of that person that
09:45
attracted the person next to them
09:48
we don’t know what that is if it were
09:49
all about the metrics
09:51
then you’d look at someone on instagram
09:53
who appears to be scoring high on all
09:54
the metrics
09:55
and that would be enough except you get
09:58
on a date with someone who scores high
10:00
in a bunch of metrics and then you just
10:01
go to yourself something’s off
10:04
something feels off about this person i
10:06
don’t know what it is
10:08
on paper it should all be right and yet
10:11
something doesn’t feel right because
10:14
you didn’t connect to their essence and
10:17
someone cannot score high in those
10:19
categories that we all think we need but
10:21
there’s something about their essence
10:23
there’s something about the way they are
10:24
the way they carry themselves the
10:26
the outlook they have the energy they
10:28
bring that
10:30
it becomes very compelling about that
10:32
person
10:34
and i think one of the most powerful
10:36
things we can do in life
10:37
is get to know more about our essence
10:40
get to know more about what works
10:42
about us i’m not saying
10:45
that getting better at things in life
10:49
is not a worthwhile task that working on
10:52
your body
10:53
working on uh your career doing
10:56
getting good at skills doing things
10:59
isn’t gonna
11:00
in some way improve your life it
11:02
certainly can and it can
11:04
even give you a certain type of
11:07
confidence it can give you a kind of
11:08
localized
11:10
confidence in an area a confidence that
11:13
arises from
11:14
competence in something but that doesn’t
11:17
mean
11:18
deeper confidence because of course
11:20
those things can go away
11:22
life changes and we’ll often find that
11:25
that
11:26
you know we look at people in life who
11:27
appear to be very confident and then a
11:29
change in their circumstances
11:31
means the complete erosion of their
11:34
confidence because it’s based on
11:36
circumstances it’s not based on
11:38
something deeper sturdier more
11:40
rooted the two pieces of advice that i
11:43
can impart about this that i use for my
11:46
life
11:46
is number one since you know
11:50
empirically from your life that
11:53
achieving something
11:54
getting to a certain metric getting what
11:57
you thought you wanted
11:59
doesn’t change all of your confidence
12:02
issues doesn’t eradicate every
12:04
insecurity
12:06
you can almost adopt a bit more of a
12:08
fatalistic approach to your confidence
12:11
instead of saying i’ll be confident when
12:14
say to yourself
12:16
there’s no guarantee i will be confident
12:18
when
12:19
so if that’s true i may as well
12:22
have a bit more of a [ __ ] attitude
12:25
now instead of
12:26
waiting for a feeling you’re going to
12:27
get later enjoy the feeling now and say
12:30
listen i’m going to get better at
12:32
something because it’s worth getting
12:33
better at it i’m going to try and
12:34
achieve that because
12:35
there’s benefits in my life from
12:37
achieving this
12:38
but if i know i’m going to feel the same
12:40
way at the end of it anyway
12:42
or if i know that there’s no guarantee
12:44
that i’ll have eradicated my
12:46
insecurities by getting there
12:48
then i may as well have more of a sense
12:49
of abandon
12:51
right now and just say screw it i’m
12:53
going to enjoy this
12:54
and number two focus on understanding
12:58
more
13:00
and paying attention to what your
13:02
essence
13:03
is i know that sounds heady
13:06
but to spend time figuring out
13:10
an easier way of saying it’s just what
13:12
works about you
13:14
what is your special magic
13:17
as a person and sometimes the clues are
13:19
in
13:20
the kinds of things that the people we
13:22
love say to us
13:24
when we get our best qualities reflected
13:27
back
13:28
or discovering what it is we mean to
13:30
people and why
13:32
i’ve had the benefit of hearing these
13:34
things in the course of my career even
13:35
in the comments you guys tell me
13:38
what works about me and why you
13:41
follow me and that has been incredibly
13:45
useful to me because
13:47
it’s shown me that while i was trying to
13:49
be good enough in all of these areas
13:51
over here
13:52
my essence was already doing the work
13:54
over here
13:55
all i needed to do was show more of it
13:57
that’s the really insidious thing about
13:59
insecurity is that it hides our essence
14:02
it stops us from leaning into what
14:04
already works about us while we’re
14:05
trying to replicate
14:07
what works about somebody else and the
14:09
most beautiful thing about your essence
14:12
about your special magic is that it
14:15
doesn’t need
14:16
any of those external wins to exist
14:19
you know for me my essence is my essence
14:23
whether there’s a million people
14:25
subscribed to my channel
14:26
or a hundred it doesn’t matter
14:30
how well i’m doing in the scorecard of
14:32
life
14:33
that thing i take with me everywhere and
14:36
it’s about
14:37
leaning into that as much as possible
14:40
now if you’re watching this video and
14:43
you want to develop this mindset for
14:45
yourself because you don’t want to be
14:46
reliant on things going well in your
14:48
life for your confidence and you also
14:49
know it hasn’t worked in the past
14:51
no matter how many things you do you
14:53
never seem to feel more confident
14:55
internally they all just become more and
14:58
more masks that you wear
14:59
to hide your insecurities i have
15:02
something i want you to be a part of
15:04
i have something very special happening
15:07
on the 9th of june that i would like to
15:10
invite you to
15:11
it won’t cost you a penny but you just
15:14
need to sign up
15:16
and it’s very special because it’s part
15:18
of a collaboration and a partnership
15:21
that is a first for me
15:23
i am partnering with charlotte tilbury
15:26
the world renowned beauty expert
15:30
to run a confidence master class
15:33
for her audience and my audience on june
15:37
the 9th
15:38
where we are going to be over a
15:40
90-minute master class
15:42
breaking down the ways that you can
15:45
practically be more confident in your
15:47
life
15:48
charlotte’s speciality is working on
15:51
people’s confidence from the outside
15:53
in and mine is working on people’s
15:56
confidence
15:57
from the inside out and none of this
16:00
master class
16:01
is going to be about giving you
16:03
something you don’t have
16:05
it’s going to be about taking what you
16:08
do have
16:09
your essence what works about you
16:13
and dialing it up to a whole new level
16:16
the nastiest thing about insecurity is
16:18
that it masks
16:20
our essence it has us hiding it has us
16:23
in in the pursuit and the obsession of
16:27
things we are not
16:28
it has us ignoring the magic that we are
16:32
the magic that we have already so
16:35
i’m not giving you that essence here i’m
16:37
not giving you that magic
16:38
what charlotte and i are going to be
16:40
doing with you on the 9th of june
16:42
is taking what you already have and
16:44
having you lean into it and
16:46
double down on that and amplify it for
16:48
the world to see because
16:50
that will be enough all you need to do
16:52
to sign up for this masterclass is go to
16:56
mhct.com that’s our initials
16:59
mh and ct.com when you go there you’ll
17:03
have a chance to register you’ll get an
17:04
email with all of the details
17:07
but like i said mark your diary right
17:09
now so that you do not miss this because
17:11
the people that show up are also
17:13
going to get a couple of special
17:14
surprises so make sure you mark your
17:16
diary june the 9th and
17:18
register if you don’t register you won’t
17:20
get the invite
17:22
go to mhnct.com
17:25
and i will see you along with charlotte
17:27
tilbury on june the 9th
17:29
we cannot wait we’ll see you there
17:49
you

This post was previously published on YouTube.

***


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The post Confidence in Dating Is Hard: 2 Ways To Boost Yours Immediately [Video] appeared first on The Good Men Project.

]]>
https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/confidence-in-dating-is-hard-2-ways-to-boost-yours-immediately-video/feed/ 0 Confidence in Dating Is Hard: 2 Ways To Boost Yours Immediately [Video] - The Good Men Project I’ll show you how to craft a confidence that’s unique to you: one that doesn’t rely on the achievement of some external goal, and one deeply rooted in who you already are. confidence,dating,dating advice,life lessons,self
How Furniture Brings Harmony in Your Family https://l2b2.com/?man=families/how-furniture-brings-harmony-in-your-family/ https://l2b2.com/?man=families/how-furniture-brings-harmony-in-your-family/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 19:30:19 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=691721 — Furniture is a great addition to any home and can bring harmony to your family. But, how does it do that? It’s all about the placement. The right furniture will make you feel comfortable and relaxed, so you can enjoy time with your loved ones. This blog post talks about what types of furniture…

The post How Furniture Brings Harmony in Your Family appeared first on The Good Men Project.

]]>

Furniture is a great addition to any home and can bring harmony to your family. But, how does it do that? It’s all about the placement. The right furniture will make you feel comfortable and relaxed, so you can enjoy time with your loved ones. This blog post talks about what types of furniture are best for families, as well as some decorating tips!

How does furniture add harmony to your family?

Bring harmony to your family

Furniture doesn’t just make a room look nicer, and it can also bring peace to the home. When we spend time shopping for furniture or when we have friends over, and they complement our living space, that is an indication that something about what you have done has helped them feel more comfortable with us than in your home.

It’s not always about the style of furniture or even how expensive it is, but instead what type of mood you are trying to set in a room and in your house as a whole. If you want something that will make guests feel welcome when they come over for dinner, then pick up some sturdy chairs with soft pillows. Switch to engineered wood flooring for a contemporary look.

If you want to create a more formal but still warm environment in your home, try looking for furniture that has some wood mixed into the design or uses dark colors like browns and blacks rather than light greys or whites. You can also find furniture with exotic designs from around the world which will match any interior design you already have.

The best way to find out what furniture style is right for you and your family is by trying them out in person or online first so that you can get a sense of the mood it will create when people come over.

How to pick furniture for your home?

Designing a space with furniture in mind is an important step to take when you are ready to redecorate. What kind of design or décor will the room have? What colors would be best for that style? Is there enough light coming into the room, and does all of this fit within what I can afford?

When designing a space with furniture in mind, first consider the design or décor you want to go for.

Once you know what style is best suited to your home and personal taste, it can be easier to determine if there are pieces of furniture that match these requirements. It is recommended to consider how much light comes into the room as well.

It can be useful to create a floor plan of the space you want to furnish before shopping for furniture pieces in order to make sure that your purchases will fit with what you are looking for and also within your budget.

Conclusion

The family room is an important space. It’s where you spend your time together as a family; it should be comfortable and functional for everyone in the household. Achieving this requires making compromises on certain things, but not total sacrifice of what we need individually to have harmony in our lives. The goal of creating a perfect living environment is an achievable family room is to bring people together and not drive them apart.

This content is brought to you by Bilal Goraya.

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How to Communicate Unhappiness in a Relationship so Your Partner Can Hear You https://l2b2.com/?man=sex-relationships/how-to-communicate-unhappiness-in-a-relationship-so-your-partner-can-hear-you/ https://l2b2.com/?man=sex-relationships/how-to-communicate-unhappiness-in-a-relationship-so-your-partner-can-hear-you/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 19:00:03 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=692241 Is your relationship getting you down? Here are five tips on how to communicate unhappiness in a relationship so that true change can come about.

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Give It Some Thought

Before you launch into telling your partner about being unhappy – make sure you know what you’re going to communicate.

This may sound obvious, but as an online sex coach, I’ve noticed that this can often be forgotten in the heat of the moment.

You get annoyed with your partner because they didn’t take out the rubbish and all of a sudden you’ve launched into a full-on fight, letting your partner know just how unhappy you are and how much it’s their fault.

In the moment, it feels good to get it off your chest, but later on, you realize you hurt your partner and the fight didn’t really lead anywhere. Things didn’t get better and you didn’t get to the root of your unhappiness.

Putting some thought into it means working out:

a) what’s making you unhappy

 

b) what you think you want instead

 

c) how you believe you can both get there.

 

By communicating these three things you’ll eliminate the risk of conflict, and increase the chances of a positive and fruitful conversation that leads to a happier, healthier relationship.

Think Of The ‘How’

How to communicate unhappiness in a relationship, so you’re actually heard, also has to do with how you say things. Oftentimes we think so much about what we want things to look like, that there’s little time or energy left to consider how to talk about the changes we desire.

This is problematic – because our partner doesn’t only hear the content of our words – they hear the way we say them and which words we choose.

In fact, our body language says a lot to our partner which is why it’s important to learn how to improve your non-verbal communication in your relationship, too.

If your partner reads your physical expression as aggressive, they’re more likely to feel attacked, making them adopt a defensive stance – and effectively ruling out any room for real improvement.

In order for your partner to hear you, you need to take how you say things into account, both with your words and your body language.

This involves accepting part of the blame – not because you should, but because it’s true.

Take Responsibility

When you’re unhappy in your relationship, it’s easy to blame it on your partner. You believe they’re the sole reason things aren’t great in a certain area of your relationship.

But the fact of the matter is – unhappiness in a relationship is often the cause of two people (providing the issue isn’t about abuse, of course. This is never the responsibility of the partner being abused).

How to accept responsibility for your relationship and impart it to your loved one can happen in many ways. It might look like saying:

  • “I understand I’m difficult to approach when I’m in a bad mood, and that this causes you to withdraw, even if what I truly want is closeness.”

 

Or

  • “I feel upset when you don’t want sex and because I was never taught how to deal with sadness, I turn to anger instead and lash out at you. I’m sorry.”

 

The above examples take into account both of your reactions and why you believe they happen. They give your partner a chance to understand your behavior and to understand how their behavior affects you.

When you accept part of the blame and take responsibility, you help your partner do the same.

This is a great way of how to communicate unhappiness in a relationship – and how to turn it into a moment of connection.

Do It Face to Face

When we experience difficulties in our relationship or marriage, it can be tempting to communicate this via text or email. While this doesn’t have to be a bad idea – it’s not usually a great one.

Oftentimes, we do this to avoid emotional intensity or connection – the very thing we perhaps need to experience with our partner in order to feel happy and satisfied.

Texting your partner your annoyances about their reluctance to cleaning or their low libido might feel easier in the moment, like you’re able to avoid conflict. But more often than not, communicating via text about something serious and potentially hurtful leads to more conflict down the line.

As we’ve already established, our partner hears so much more than just the content alone. It’s the way we say what we say, both with our tone of voice and with our body language. They both help our partners to understand what we’re feeling and what we want.

When we’re face to face we can more easily gauge our partner’s reaction and tailor what we say so that our words perhaps hurt less or are heard better.

Even if we’re communicating something negative or difficult, doing it face to face can make the experience a more unifying one.

Do It More Than Once

When thinking about how to communicate unhappiness – you’ll want to make sure this isn’t a one-time thing.

This doesn’t mean you should tell your partner how unsatisfied you are every day (that’s more like a fast track to separation!). It does, however, mean following up the conversation to see how things are going.

It means connecting about the issue at hand and how you’re both contributing to solving it.

Rarely have I seen couples where a problem is solved overnight or after one conversation. It takes time, dedication, and effort. So don’t be surprised if you both fall off the wagon or get lost on the way – it’s all part of the process – and it’s ok.

How to Communicate Unhappiness in a Relationship Is About Five Things

We all experience tough times, no matter how great our relationship or marriage is. It’s how we get through these difficult times that determine how a relationship’s strength and tenacity over time.

If you’re serious about making a change in your relationship and really want your partner to hear you (who doesn’t, right?), you’ll want to think about the following five things:

  • Communicate what’s causing the unhappiness, what you want instead and how to solve it
  • Think about the words you choose and your body language when telling your partner the above
  • Accept responsibility and partial blame for the problems that are causing your unhappiness. Not because it’s the right thing to do – but because you actually can see your part in it.
  • Communicate your unhappiness face to face
  • Talk about the problem/s several times and revisit how your progress is going.

 

It’s hard talking about problems, but the best way of getting the relationship you want is learning how to communicate unhappiness in a relationship so your partner truly can hear you.

Previously published here and reprinted with the author’s permission.

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Take a Look at These Amazing Father’s Day Items https://l2b2.com/?man=arts/look-at-amazing-fathers-day-items-jsnk/ https://l2b2.com/?man=arts/look-at-amazing-fathers-day-items-jsnk/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 18:30:48 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=692074 father's day, coaster, game of thrones, tv show, hbo, press release, fun.comLook at These Father’s Day Items Father’s Day is right around the corner. It isn’t always easy to get your dad a gift, especially when they already seem to own a lot of stuff. Thankfully websites like Fun.com exist where you can find many items that are fun and practical. Here are just a few…

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Look at These Father’s Day Items

Father’s Day is right around the corner. It isn’t always easy to get your dad a gift, especially when they already seem to own a lot of stuff. Thankfully websites like Fun.com exist where you can find many items that are fun and practical. Here are just a few items that are available on this website now.

father's day, lion king, t-shirt, animated, press release, fun.com

(c) Fun.com

There a ton of items available on this website. They have T-Shirts that cover many hit TV shows and movies. There are also a good selection of shoes, cups and so much more. I will admit it might not be an easy task finding that perfect gift, but thanks to this site it became a whole lot simpler. You can order these items and more here.

father's day, game of thrones, t-shirt, tv show, hbo, press release, fun.com

(c) Fun.com

With the help of this website, hopefully you can find many items your dad will enjoy for years to come. You can follow this website on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

father's day, star wars, tie, press release, fun.com

(c) Fun.com

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Cloudy Memories https://l2b2.com/?man=fathers-day/cloudy-memories-bbab/ https://l2b2.com/?man=fathers-day/cloudy-memories-bbab/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 18:00:04 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=688404 Reflecting on Father's Day Memories

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A painting can inspire a poem. A remembrance can add texture. A Father’s Day reflection can provide depth.

Mark Maggiori, Once Upon a Time

 

The stratus in the distance

lies flat like a memory of a memory

Grey recollections begin to form

swirling, joining, dissipating, uniting again

Mammatus memories begin to build

shaped by the weight of lenticular light

Remembrances rise like cumulus

into the atmosphere

Cirrus shapes shift,

lifting on the latitude,

altitude, attitude, all rising

And there in the cumulonimbus

near the top of the troposphere,

I see the face of my father

***

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Photo: IStock

Mark Maggiori, Once Upon a Time, Oil on linen, 36” x 34”

Used by permission, Briscoe Western Art Museum and Mark Maggiori

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Getting My Blood Tested Was an Easy Way for Me To Feel Better https://l2b2.com/?man=health/getting-my-blood-tested-was-an-easy-way-for-me-to-feel-better/ https://l2b2.com/?man=health/getting-my-blood-tested-was-an-easy-way-for-me-to-feel-better/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 17:30:11 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=685856 I never imagined I had a vitamin deficiency!

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Recently my energy’s been low, as has been my libido (although I suspect that’s got something to do with emotional issues – but more on that another time!), also aching joints and getting tired more easily. I’m seventy and I know it’s to be expected, but I always like to see if things can be improved. So I rather shyly called my doctor – feeling guilty that there wasn’t really anything ‘wrong’ with me (especially in this time of widespread illness), and rather afraid he’d be angry with me for wasting his time.

Maybe because he’s an older man himself, he was very genial and sympathetic; told me what a good idea he thought it was to have regular check-ups when we get older as a preventative measure, and booked me an appointment for some blood tests at the local hospital the next day.

I duly showed up there, where a kindly nurse proceeded to remove six tubes of my blood for the battery of tests that were going to be done, including one to check testosterone levels. A part of me didn’t want to know about this, in case it came out as ‘ insignificant’ and my dwindling male ego would take a death blow along with any hopes of getting active in the bedroom again; but it felt important to face facts and find out. The strange thing, I started to feel better as I walked out of the hospital!

A couple of days later I got the results. Everything was ‘fine’ (although I forgot to ask if that meant ‘fine’ related to average levels for an old bloke, or for an average male), but I had low levels of vitamin B12 and vitamin D. I looked up to see the effects of being short of those, and the list include tiredness, low energy, aching joints – a lot of the things I’d been experiencing. Result!

Two days later I was back at the surgery for a B12 injection and some vitamin tablets. That was a few days ago, and although there was no overnight transformation, today my knees are definitely working better and I’m feeling a nice uplift in energy. This could all be placebo effect of course – but if it works, who cares!

My point in sharing this, is that if you’re anything like me – and apparently most men – you’ve not seen a doctor in a pretty long time. But getting a get a check-up is a really smart idea – especially if you’re fit but getting older and want to keep it that way. It’s tempting to think you might feel better not to know if you DO have a problem, but that kind of denial is like walking blindfold; something bad will happen in the future that could have been prevented by getting it sorted now.

Part of being a Good Man means taking care of yourself; it might be the most important way you can be sure of giving your best to everyone else.

 


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Social Media Usage and Your Relationship https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/social-media-usage-and-your-relationship/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/social-media-usage-and-your-relationship/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 17:00:04 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=683695 The unhealthy use of social media can result in the reduction of both face-to-face interactions and physical activities.

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Social networking sites offer many advantages for people to interact and communication. Today, the daily lives of a lot of people have become inseparable from the internet and social media. It is apparent that social media usage has come to stay.

As an offshoot of the recent rise in global technological development, social media has become a great contributor to communication and socialization.

This technological innovation allows one to communicate, interact, and establish relationships with other people from across the world.

Its easy accessibility has also made it to become a daily necessity and an essential part of the lifestyle of many people. To a large extent, social media has increased the standard of living of a lot of people.

However, every technological development always has two different sides. As things stand, social media has been no exception to this rule.

Social media is a very effective communication and interaction tool. It allows us to achieve certain communication goals with a degree of ease like never before. However, interacting through social media does not only affect our communication behavior.

There is also the aspect of the usage frequency and variety of the message content. Thus, we are daily inundated by messages of various forms, contents, and mediums. And this is irrespective of whether or not the information is useful to us.

Social Media’s Impact

There is no denying the fact that social media has positively impacted our ability to build and maintain relationships. It has presented increased opportunities to share information anytime and anywhere across borders.

Social media allows us to find new friends and also (re)connect with old friends, family and relatives. It’s a great way to maintain relationships, share information, plan and manage events, and a lot more.

Through social media, we not only get to know about what is going on in other people’s lives but also to share our experiences.

As a tool, it also helps to fill our leisure time while serving as a great platform for online learning.

Yet, there’s no denying the fact that social media usage can have negative impacts on an individual and his or her relationships.

With that said, it’s important to understand one particular distinction. This is the fact that the cause of the negative effects is not directly a social media effect per se. Most of the known negative effects are due to the manner of usage of the service.

For one, the unhealthy use of social media can result in the reduction of both face-to-face interactions and physical activities. At the same time, there’s a strong case for the loss of privacy when using social media.

Also, social media cannot be said to be the “main” significant factor contributing to the global increase in relationship breakups and divorces. Yet, many studies are indicating that “online infidelity” is steadily becoming one of the supporting factors.

The number of people who have said that services such as Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Skype, WhatsApp, Instagram, and other social media sites played a part in their breakup or divorce is rapidly rising.

Social Media Usage

Most people are in the habit of using social media at least once a day. Many people believe that the best way to main an attractive profile is by regularly visiting their social media profiles. This tendency is what often causes excessive usage.1

The activities most commonly engaged in on the various social media platforms are:2

  • reading/responding to comments (60%)
  • sending/responding to messages/invites (14%), and
  • browsing of friends’ profiles/walls/pages (13%)

The overall time spent on social media has steadily increased over the past few years. About seventy-two per cent of adults who use the internet also make use of social media networks. Of these, the average user spends about 23 hours on social media weekly.

Gender Roles in Social Media Usage

For most people, the main reason for using Social Media is for staying in touch with friends and also making new friends.1

On the whole, males tend to use social media for the purposes of social compensation. They equally use it for both learning and social identity gratification.3

Conversely, females are more inclined to use social media to maintain contact with members of their peer group.

When it comes to which of the genders has more friends/followers on social media, there has been no clear consensus from various studies.4, 5

Also, male users have a tendency to risk disclosing more personal information on social media sites than females.6

Function of Age in Social Media Usage

Social media usage also varies in terms of the differences in age.5 Younger users of social media, teenagers and students, have friends’ networks that are generally larger than that of older users.

Most of their friend’s on these networks are mostly from similar age groups. The younger users also use more of the music and video sharing, as well as blogging features of the various Web2.0 Social Media platforms.5

While the friends’ networks of older users are much smaller, they however have a more dispersed age group.

Motivations for Social Media Usage

In general, people have different motivations for using social media platforms. When used in a goal-oriented way, people’s needs and gratifications can be satisfied with social media.

Individuals who have higher social identify mostly use social media because they perceive encouragement for participation from the social network.

College students in a research reported that their social media usage was primarily for social reasons that involved people from their offline lives. 2 The motivation for their social media usage were such as the following:

  • Keep up with friends they do not see often (81%)
  • Because all their friends had accounts (61%)
  • Keeping in touch with relatives and family (48%)
  • Making plans with friends they see often (35%)
  • Look for new people (29%)

For most college students, the main motivation driving their social media usage was for interacting with other “known users”. This was a higher motivating factor compared to searching for new friends, new music, or for finding groups to chat about particular issues.

Social Capital

Additionally, several research suggest that social media is also used for forming and maintaining different forms of “social capital”.7 In broad terms, social capital is defined as:

…the sum of the resources, actual or virtual, that accrue to an individual or a group by virtue of possessing a durable network of more or less institutionalized relationships of mutual acquaintance and recognition.
-Bourdieu, P., & Wacquant, L. (1992) An Invitation to Reflexive Sociology

Maintaining “bridging social capital”9 through engaging in social media is beneficial for students with regards to potential employment opportunities.7 It also helps to sustain ties with old friends and can be particularly helpful for persons with low self-esteem.10

Social media platforms can be conceptualized as networked individualism. The idea is that users “remain connected, but as individuals rather than being rooted in the home bases of work unit and household.”11 This allows for the creation of many self-perpetuating connections that appear helpful for users.

Thus, most research suggests that a large majority of students’ social media usage is for the maintenance of offline relationships. Yet, there are those who prefer to use social media for communication rather than have face-to-face interaction.12

Engagement on Social Media

When using social media, people find it more pleasurable extracting information from their friends’ profile (social searching) than from passively reading through newsfeeds (social browsing).13

This goal-directed activity of “social searching” may activate the appetite system, which is related to pleasurable experiences.14 This same appetitive system has been found to be activated in Internet game over-users and addicts.15, 16

Most studies indicate that users of social media platforms, especially Facebook, engage in “searching” for people with whom they have an offline connection more than they “browse” for complete strangers to meet.17

Personality Traits of Social Media Users

The personality traits of individuals can also influence the way they use social media. For instance, individuals with higher self-esteem, who are more extroverted, and have large offline social networks, use Facebook for social enhancement.18

Interestingly, a study found that social media network size was positively related to satisfaction with life or subjective wellbeing.19 However, the time spent using social media was not related to wellbeing.

Also, the online size not have a corresponding effect on the size of their offline network. It also does not create any emotionally closer relationships with offline network members.20

On the contrary, individuals with few offline contacts are mostly introverted. Introverted persons generally have both low self-esteem and life-satisfaction. They mostly use social media, especially Facebook, to compensate for these personality traits and to have a sense of belongingness.18, 21

Also, individuals with higher narcissistic personality traits tend to have very high social media usage of platforms like Facebook.22, 23 This gives them a channel to present a favorable version of themselves online. This virtual environment empowers them to construct their ideal selves.24

On the whole, Facebook users predominantly claim their identities implicitly than explicitly. They “show rather than tell” and stress group and consumer identities over personally narrated ones.24

Social Media Addiction

Having a way to distract your mind from the realities of life can be very helpful at times. But such a practice can become a problem when over-used.

On the Internet, people engage in a lot of stuff which can be classified as potentially addictive. In fact, the mass appeal of social networks on the Internet can be a potential cause for concern.

Globally, there is a growing increase in the amount of time spent online. This is raising some concerns considering it current effects.

Then again, some users do not really get addicted to the medium per se. There are those who develop an addiction to a specific activity they engage in online.25

Types of Internet Addictions

Some researchers argue that there are five different types of possible Internet addiction.26 These addiction types are namely:

  1. Computer addiction – computer game addiction
  2. Information overload – web surfing addiction
  3. Net compulsions – online gambling or online shopping addiction
  4. Cyber-sexual addition – online pornography or online sex addiction, and
  5. Cyber-relationship addiction – addiction to online relationships

Despite this earlier generalized breakdown of the types of Internet addictions, most experts today are of the opinion that people use the Internet excessively as a medium to fuel their other addictions.27, 28

Nonetheless, social media addiction seems to fall into the last category. This is obviously the case since its main aim is to help users establish and maintain both online and offline relationships.

A key distinction between normal over-engagement in social media that may be occasionally experienced by many and social media addiction is that the latter is associated with unfavorable consequences when online social networking becomes uncontrollable and compulsive.
-Andreassen, 201529

When it comes to relationships, what is done on social media is not the only that can create problems. How much time spent in doing it can also cause conflict.

This is why most experts regard excessive social media usage to be detrimental to relationships.

Effects of Social Media Addiction

For a lot of people, social media has become a sort of escape route to evade the realities of life.

Thus, a lot of individuals get immersed in the virtual reality of social media rather than face the stack reality of an unfulfilling relationship or a hard and stressful work culture.

Social media addiction is characterized by being overly concerned about social media. An uncontrollable urge to log on and use social media drives the individual.30

They also devote a lot of time and effort to it to the point that it begins to impair other vital aspects of their lives.

Specifically, social media usage starts becoming a thing of concern once you start placing more value on the experiences created online than what you encounter in real life.

The diversion social media usage creates often steals a considerable amount of time. The individual could have spent this time to deal with real life problems.

People who engage in excessive social media usage often develop psychological issues. These include neglect of personal life31, mental preoccupation32, and escapism33. While also having mood modifying experiences, they also try hiding the addictive behavior.

There are some obvious potential indicators of addiction to easily watch out for. Two of the common ones are the reduced real life social community participation and relationship problems.

The Reality

As humans, we live in a social world in which we need to belong and to relate. The primary key to achieving this is through interpersonal communication.34 The advent of social media has basically helped to amplify this basic human nature.

Today, social media has essentially become an extension of one of our deepest psychological instinct – the need to be social.

This technological innovation has significantly helped to break down the barriers of distance and time and of the need for presence and visibility.

Most experts agree that social media can become an addiction and should be taken seriously. In fact, social media addiction is now comparable to gambling and drug addiction.35

However, people diagnosed with social media addiction are very few. In fact several psychologists claim that around 5 to 10 per cent of Americans today are addicted to social media.

Despite this fact, the negative impact of social media is apparent in our society. Whether it’s deemed to be a clinical addiction or not does not matter.

This is because a lot of individual’s social media usage is habitual enough that it spills over into other areas of their lives.

In Conclusion…

The best way to approach this social media addiction is through controlled usage rather than abstinence.

Given the way the world today has become so interconnected through devices, it’s simply not possible to prohibit social media usage.

There is no easy way to wriggling ourselves out of this growing social media usage pandemic. Ultimately, each individual has to take personal responsibility for their social media usage.

Do you truly value the importance of your offline relationships, especially as couples? If yes, then you need to do the necessary to avoid this “opiate of the masses” from wreaking havoc in your loving relationships.

This post was previously published on Loving-Relationship.com.

***


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My Mother’s Sexist Warnings Became My Feminist Slogans https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/my-mothers-sexist-warnings-became-my-feminist-slogans/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/my-mothers-sexist-warnings-became-my-feminist-slogans/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 16:30:27 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=690575 “Do not let a man claim you.”

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My mother is a brilliant woman. She is one of the most hardworking, dedicated, and inspirational people I have ever met. Growing up, she was my first female role model. She broke boundaries by being the only one amongst her sisters to complete high school and the only one to attend college. She reshaped the mold of the role of a woman in her family and forged a new path for the generations of women that came after her. Yet, my mother remains a product of her conservative environment, and she still held many traditional values that caused us to clash as I was growing up.

One day during my teen years I remember my mother sitting me down and asking me “do you have a boyfriend?” My answer, of course, was “no”. That answer, of course, was a lie. You don’t simply tell your Arab mother that you have a boyfriend, not at 16. Not when you are her oldest child, not when you’re the training wheels, and everything that a mother fears comes jumping right into her mind whenever you speak.

She looked me right into my eyes and she told me “you should never let a boy claim you.” I was enraged. That statement is problematic on several degrees, the first of which is that I am not an object to be claimed or branded with someone’s name. My personality and my character are not determined by who has “claimed” me and whom I have given my time. Still, she stood her ground. “Do not let a man claim you.”

“Be careful or you’ll ruin your reputation” she would say to me; because a woman’s reputation in my city was the most important thing that she had. but what my mother didn’t know, what the generational gap failed to give her access to, is that a girl’s reputation was never going to be safe no matter what she does, if she lives in a community that prioritizes it over anything else.

As a teenager, I’ve had my reputation “ruined” for:

  1. Half-hugging (1) boy hello at a cafe
  2. Sending a heart emoji via the MSN Messenger app
  3. Wearing a skirt that the wind blew upwards
  4. And my favorite, for being “too good”. Because “girls who don’t have any dirt on them are the ones who have done the most”

There is no winning with “reputations” because reputations are just narratives that people can build about you. They are storylines, oftentimes they are already written and set and you are merely cast in someone’s imaginary scenario of your life.

As a teenager, I was horrified by this piece of advice from my mother but alas it was always in the back of my head. It’s ridiculous how much pressure we put on young women and girls to “behave” but we neglect to tell our young men and boys how to treat them. Why does a boy “claim” a girl but a girl doesn’t “claim” a boy?. Why is a divorced woman “undesirable” but a divorced man is “back on the market”?

I suppressed this advice for so long, having moved past it as I worked through releasing the grip of guilt that comes along with unlearning sexist tropes. However, one day I found myself telling myself the same advice, “never let a man claim you”.

Same advice. Different perspective

This time, I was 20-something years old, staring into a mirror with tears in my eyes as the result of heartbreak, frustration, and anger. I had let someone claim me. I had let someone claim ownership of my body and my soul. I’d let someone parade me around as their keychain while they made no effort to know me at all. I was claimed.

While my mother’s intention wasn’t anything beyond protecting me from a sexist society by enforcing that same society’s sexist ideologies, she unintentionally gave me the slogan to carry on from this instance, to continue my life being unapologetically independent.

I realized that having men “claim me” wasn’t the way to break this sexist slogan, because that would mean me conforming to it. Instead, the way to redefine this slogan is to refuse to entertain anyone who would even try to claim me, and to only open my life up to those who want to walk beside me instead.

This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

***


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Join Two New Friends on a Wild Adventure in ‘Luca’ https://l2b2.com/?man=arts/join-two-new-friends-wild-adventure-luca-jsnk/ https://l2b2.com/?man=arts/join-two-new-friends-wild-adventure-luca-jsnk/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 16:00:52 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=692063 luca, computer animated, fantasy, comedy, review, pixar animation studios, walt disney picturesGet taken on a crazy adventure in ‘Luca’ I have been a fan of Disney films since I was a kid. As an adult I still enjoy watching these movies, probably more now than when I was younger. I was impressed by Soul and really enjoyed Raya and the Last Dragon. When I heard about…

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Get taken on a crazy adventure in ‘Luca’

I have been a fan of Disney films since I was a kid. As an adult I still enjoy watching these movies, probably more now than when I was younger. I was impressed by Soul and really enjoyed Raya and the Last Dragon. When I heard about Luca I hoped I would get to watch it. I was able to get a screener for this movie and here is what I thought of it.

luca, computer animated, fantasy, comedy, review, pixar animation studios, walt disney pictures

(c) Walt Disney Pictures

You can read the plot for ‘Luca’ here:

A coming-of-age story about one young boy experiencing an unforgettable summer filled with gelato, pasta and endless scooter rides. Luca shares these adventures with his newfound best friend, but all the fun is threatened by a deeply-held secret: they are sea monsters from another world just below the water’s surface.

luca, computer animated, fantasy, comedy, review, pixar animation studios, walt disney pictures

(c) Walt Disney Pictures

Luca was overall a good film. It has a strong beginning where we get introduced to an amazing undersea world. When Luca makes a new friend the story really got going. The momentum gets lost for a bit in the middle of the story, but it makes up for this with a touching ending. This may not be a movie for everyone but most people should enjoy it.

luca, computer animated, fantasy, comedy, review, pixar animation studios, walt disney pictures

(c) Walt Disney Pictures

Luca is available now on Disney Plus. You can follow this film on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

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Is It Time to Question Our Assumptions About Hand-Made vs Machine Made? https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/is-it-time-to-question-our-assumptions-about-hand-made-vs-machine-made/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/is-it-time-to-question-our-assumptions-about-hand-made-vs-machine-made/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 15:30:31 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=690541 People performing highly repetitive tasks, resulted not only in low-priced products, but also in products of inconsistent quality.

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The author of “Has ‘Made by humans’ come to denote quality?” saw an advertisement for language courses highlighting that they were designed by “more than a hundred linguists and language experts” instead of “by algorithms or computer programs”, and wonders if having been created by humans will set such products apart from those created by machines, which will be seen as being of lower quality.

Language learning is a particularly interesting area, because it is now perfectly possible with current technologies to adapt study programs using algorithms without the need for humans. In fact, technology allows for much higher level of personalization, since we cannot ask our team of linguists, however large it may be, to work individually with each learner, but algorithms can.

The belief that something made by humans is of better quality crumbles when we confront it with the principles of Industry 4.0, which is seeing new standards of automation: historically this has always meant greater efficiency, higher quality and fewer errors.

Our error is associating automation with mass production and lower costs. Spreading the fixed costs of production over a larger number of units tends to lower prices, and this may have been the case in the past: automation or mass production tended to generate products that were cheaper and also generally of poorer quality than those manufactured by humans. Paradoxically, this was also historically associated with manufacturing in China and Southeast Asia, were because of their low unit labor costs, automation levels were also very low: the cheapest way to manufacture anything was to put people to do it manually.

Those production lines, which paradoxically were considered “inhuman” when they were composed precisely of people performing highly repetitive tasks, resulted not only in low-priced products, but also in products of inconsistent quality, due to the difficulty of controlling the stability of an individual’s actions over the course of long and exhausting shifts.

This changed dramatically when machine learning was incorporated into production lines. In fact, the biggest change took place in China, where the largest number of production robots in the world was rapidly installed, where hundreds of thousands of workers lost their jobs in those factories that could no longer compete through manual production, and who were retrained for other tasks. The result of such an ambitious change was what we know today: higher productivity, higher quality, and a drastic reduction in the number of defective products.

Robotization not only results in more reliable and defect-free production processes, but also makes it possible to carry out much more thorough quality controls. However, handmade products still have, in many areas, a quality hallmark: this tells us that the question depends on the type of process or industry, and within each industry, depending on the strategic approach of the different companies operating in it.

However, it is important in each process to identify what is merely anecdotal or derived from tradition, from what is actually an advantage. Indeed, we could reach the paradox of consciously exploiting such questions: will we, for example, ever see a robot imitate handcrafted manufacturing by intentionally seeking out more irregular processes that contribute to that “made by humans” aspect, without detriment to quality?

If “made by humans” or “handmade” is contrasted with “made by robots”, we should be careful: those robots are machines that, thanks to the application of machine learning, no longer have to limit themselves to the merely repetitive, but are able, thanks to properly labeled massive data feeds, to obtain better results than the best of humans, as in that old Kuka Robots ad with Timo Boll from 2014 that I still use in my classes.

In the future, to take an example from an industry where manual tailoring has traditionally been considered an advantage, we will see a machine taking exact measurements of our body to then feed a pattern-making and tailoring process that creates, in record time, a perfectly tailored suit that even hides our own physical quirks, as good tailor does. When this process is optimized to the limit, these suits will be better than those made by a traditional tailor, and may also, if this approach is pursued, be significantly cheaper. Will hand-made suits, with their three fittings and their chalk, continue to connote superior quality?

In some industries, the continuous improvement process of robotic manufacturing is already well underway. In others, it is little short of heresy, and it seems that handmade products will retain their connotation of superiority over those made by robots. That said, perhaps the time has come to revise a few stereotypes.

This post was previously published on Enrique Dans.

***


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Tap Into a More Powerful Masculinity https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/tap-into-a-more-powerful-masculinity-kpkn/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/tap-into-a-more-powerful-masculinity-kpkn/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 15:00:55 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=691315 The Man Alive Podcast with Shana James

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Programming around manhood and masculinity starts from the time you’re born. Ilan Ferdman of Satori Prime and the Old Souls and Seekers Podcast shows you how to get free of it so you can unveil the superhuman you came on this earth to be!

When you hear the word “Manhood,” what do you think?

It may have a sense of power for you. It may seem suffocating or stifling. It may even be both at the same time. Today’s Man Alive podcast guest, Ilan Ferdman has done deep work and exploration around who he is beyond cultural constructs. He has even explored the Divine Masculine and shares his experiences of what it is and how it has impacted his life.

Ilan understands that you are programmed into manhood and masculinity from the time you’re born. The pressures and limitations are so much a part of “the water we swim in,” it can be really hard to see or know where they come from.

Ilan is the co-founder of Satori Prime, a

Programming around manhood and masculinity starts from the time you’re born. Ilan Ferdman of Satori Prime and the Old Souls and Seekers Podcast shows you how to get free of it so you can unveil the superhuman you came on this earth to be!

When you hear the word “Manhood,” what do you think?

It may have a sense of power for you. It may seem suffocating or stifling. It may even be both at the same time. Today’s Man Alive podcast guest, Ilan Ferdman has done deep work and exploration around who he is beyond cultural constructs. He has even explored the Divine Masculine and shares his experiences of what it is and how it has impacted his life.

Ilan understands that you are programmed into manhood and masculinity from the time you’re born. The pressures and limitations are so much a part of “the water we swim in,” it can be really hard to see or know where they come from.

Ilan is the co-founder of Satori Prime, a personal development, leadership and spiritual growth organization that has served more than 15,000 people with digital products, community events, coaching and corporate trainings. He is also co-host of the Old Souls and Seekers podcast, which weaves life coaching with psychology, neuroscience, intuitive guidance and ancient energetic wisdom practices.

In our conversation we discussed:

  • A process for working with catastrophic thoughts and fear of failure
  • How to release the pressureof being the “rock” and provider, the one who holds it all on your shoulders
  • The benefit of slowing down to become even more effective
  • How to integrate masculine and feminine energies and what the divine masculine is 
  • Ilan’s story of losing it all and the gifts that resulted from finally getting honest

Ilan believes you can unveil the superhuman you came on this earth to be. He helps people access their intuitive mind, subtle awareness, and sensory intelligence. He is a great example of a powerful and loving man!

Previously Published on shanajamescoaching.com

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Has My Closet Been Made of Glass? https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/has-my-closet-been-made-of-glass/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/has-my-closet-been-made-of-glass/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 14:30:51 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=690097 The struggles of coming out to a traditional, Indian family.

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Around my family, I enveloped myself in layers the way a sari drapes around my body. As I dance through each of my cousin’s weddings, it’s no surprise when I’m stopped by an auntie asking if I’m ready to get married. Naturally, I smile as wide as a rangoli, explaining that I’m more focused on my career. In reality, I’m bi-sexual and the Punjabi community I’ve grown up in has held tightly to conservative views with their lack of acceptance towards the LGBTQ community.

No one in my family has ever suspected a thing because everyone has followed a path seasoned with tradition. We’re from a village in Punjab, India where farming builds the foundation of the state. Unlike the evergreen fields that are rich with wheat crops and eucalyptus trees, people tend to stick to their roots rather than flourish from the cultural norms.

Photo courtesy of author; rangoli design from my cousin’s wedding

Questioning the standards

Growing up in America, my parents tried their best to instill Sikh practices into my day-to-day life. We went to our local temple every Sunday and made our name known by showing up to every celebration (weddings, birthdays, graduations, etc.). As time went on, those expectations were marred by my dad’s health ailments and my mother’s increasing workload at the factory. How could they keep a watchful eye when one is hopped up on medication and the other is working through nights to keep a roof over our heads?

As fun as it was to be a part of the community, I couldn’t help but question every step of the process. The kids I grew up with at the temple seemed intent on following their parents’ shadows to avoid disappointing them but I was more interested in cultivating my own light.

For years I denied myself the luxury of challenging these allusive guidelines. I went to school and lived in a neighborhood where no one looked like me and followed their own beliefs. Each friend I made came with a newfound set of religious values and lifestyles. Think about Holi and how people are splattered with colored powder all over their clothes, that’s the beauty of growing up in America. You’re surrounded by an array of people where you pick out your favorite views and add them to your collection of thoughts.

Photo courtesy of author; Color run for charity from 2013 — accurate representation of Holi 🙂

Acting upon my sexuality

As I saw more classmates from school come out as gay, I began to wonder how they realized it. Was it through action or thoughts? During the first few decades of my life, I allowed myself to be curious about women while having boyfriends. When I turned 21 and started working at Forever21, I acted upon those thoughts and began pursuing a female colleague of mine. Our time together opened me up, resembling a lotus flower in bloom. I realized that I fell on a scale where I enjoyed both men and women.

A year later, I traded my trendy mall job to work for a logistics company in downtown Dallas. This new job in the city allowed me to have space from my family in the suburbs as I began to date women. My life revolved around bar-hopping in the gay-berhoods (Dallas’s nickname for the LGBTQ part of the scene), going to lesbian happy hours, and meeting new women who matched the attraction I showed.

I was playing the field, dating all kinds of women, and learning more about the community I spent most of my life wondering about. Each time I went on a date with a woman, my confidence grew and blossomed just like the myriads of mustard flowers that dotted the fields of Punjab. For years I was able to master the perfect Indian daughter who doted on my parents’ needs at home while being the out-spoken, bi-sexual beauty who loved women as much as men.

Photo courtesy of author; views from my dad’s home in Punjab

Opening up

Naturally, I began to loosen up, allowing myself to unravel as I continued dating men and women. I didn’t have an emotional coming out to my friends. I simply stated that I was seeing a woman and they accepted it with grace. My friends were not surprised by my bi-sexuality. Even my colleagues had no sense of shock when I would run into them on my escapades with women. People naturally assumed I fell on the spectrum which ended up creating a safe space for my sexuality both with my friends and at work.

Once the pandemic was in full swing and I had to embrace working from home, I began to realize the full extent of my bisexuality. For the last 6 years, I’ve been able to mask myself from my parents to where they never question my intentions. Effortlessly, I’d commute to Dallas and have my fun only to come home as a seemingly traditional Punjabi girl. This double life I created started to gnaw at me, tangling up the work I put in to accept myself in the LGBTQ community.

Ultimately, I opened up to my older brother last summer, and to my surprise, he was very supportive. My brother revealed that he had no trace of shock. He felt bad that it took me 26 years to tell him about my affliction and was excited at the idea of us going out together to hit on women. Although my brother is too straight to enter a gay bar with me, I felt such peace knowing that someone in my home knew the real me.

Photo courtesy of Author; Indian outfits are always so colorful

Is my sexuality a secret?

Telling my brother gave me the audacity to open up to one of my cousins on my dad’s side of the family this past weekend. My cousin didn’t say much about it because he wasn’t bothered by it. At first, I was suspicious that my brother had told our cousin but it turns out that my closet is made of glass.

To my amazement, every time I tell people I’m bi-sexual no one seems astounded by the news. I’m flocked with all kinds of questions about my journey and admiration towards my way of life. In their eyes, it’s obvious that I’m in the LGBTQ world because of how open I am about myself. I guess when you spend so much time questioning your sexuality, you can’t help but be more colorful in social situations.

Slowly but surely, I’m gathering the much needed courage to tell my parents along with the rest of my family. I know it’ll take time but the longer I’m cooped up in this house, the more I feel the need to be honest. After all, I’m not a criminal, I’m just bi-sexual.

Thank you so much for reading friends! Below are similar articles I’ve written about being bi-sexual. Happy Pride!!!

This post was previously published on Medium.

***


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https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/has-my-closet-been-made-of-glass/feed/ 0 1 Jo0Bc5FgLQQco1-2lg7pRA Photo courtesy of author; rangoli design from my cousin’s wedding 1 yYq0yEQnE5-7tjX3qjCRTw Photo courtesy of author; Color run for charity from 2013 — accurate representation of Holi :) 1 DbXgARKraQw0XCQOCfjvQg Photo courtesy of author; views from my dad’s home in Punjab 1 mtLIY9n_m3wZSbVHU31y2w Photo courtesy of Author; Indian outfits are always so colorful
Unmasked, and it Feels so…Ambiguous https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/unmasked-and-it-feels-so-ambiguous-kpkn/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/unmasked-and-it-feels-so-ambiguous-kpkn/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 14:00:35 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=691926 The reopening comes with a disclaimer: Can we maintain the beneficial changes that we implemented during the earlier stages of the COVID-19 era?

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Here’s the typical interaction at a coffee shop counter on June 15, the day of California’s reopening:

Customer (walks in wearing mask): “Hey, do I still need to wear a mask in here?”

Barista (wearing mask): “Well, we’re following the new local guidelines, which say that you don’t need to wear a mask. But our employees are still wearing masks. So, it’s up to you.”

Customer (slowly removing mask): “OK, sounds good. Thanks!”

Barista: “Oh, and just making sure, are you fully vaccinated? According to the guidelines, only those who are fully vaccinated can remove their mask indoors.”

Customer (mask still on chin): “Yup, I’m fully vaccinated. Thanks.”

As a remote worker for the better part of a decade, June 15 marked what I was hoping would be a triumphant return to the coffee shop circuit. Maintaining the focus and self-motivation to work from home for an entire day can be a fraught proposition, especially with the background noise of two kids and a dog. The buzz in the air at a coffee shop is also noisy, but it’s more like white noise. It actually helps me focus. And the change of scenery, for at least part of the workday, is crucial. So, the absence of my “rotating coffee shop office” since March 2020 due to the pandemic created both productivity and morale challenges at work.

But was the coffee shop return as “triumphant” as I envisioned? The ambiguity surrounding the mask policy did put a damper on the celebration. Rather than following through with my plan of walking in confidently unmasked, I left my mask on while ordering coffee and only removed it when I sat at a table — exactly as I would’ve done at any restaurant before June 15. It’s not like businesses are putting up new signs declaring, “ATTENTION: YOU NO LONGER NEED TO WEAR A MASK IN HERE.” Many will simply leave up their “No Mask, No Service” signs out of pure inertia, whether or not they’re still requiring masks.

This ambiguity regarding masks is indicative of a larger sense of unease surrounding the reopening. Many people who hadn’t participated in large social gatherings outside of their “circle,” “bubble,” or “pod” for more than a year are now resuming such activities. Yet the reopening comes with a disclaimer: Can we maintain the beneficial changes that we implemented during the earlier stages of the COVID-19 era? For instance, the pandemic gave us an opportunity to tighten our social circles — and consequently, to place a higher priority on our most important relationships, from family to friends. This was one of the proverbial “COVID silver linings.”

Today, seeing those you haven’t seen in real life for more than a year can be a cause for celebration, but it can also feel disorienting. While you’d hope that you can simply pick things up right where they left off, the passage of time is a bit of a shock to the system. A typical conversation goes like this:

Friend A (goes in, hesitantly, for the hug): “Hey, long time no see!”

Friend B: “I know, right? It’s been forever.”

(Awkward silence.)

Friend A: “So, how are you? How’s life?”

Friend B: “Umm, yea, doing well I suppose. You know, COVID. What a crazy time.”

Friend A: “Totally.”

Friend B: “Yup. And how are you?”

Friend A: “Yea, pretty good. As you’d expect. Like you said, what a crazy year.”

And the conversation continues in circles, without covering anything of substance or meaning, before coming to a merciful end.

What’s next? As (those of us who feel safe enough) remove masks and resume “normal” activities, how can we restore the comforts and joys of life as we used to know it? For some, it’ll take courage. For others, like myself, it’ll take cutting through cynicism. Ultimately, a balance between resuming normalcy and preserving the adaptive practices of the pandemic era seems to be the most fulfilling way forward.

Although COVID-19 temporarily compelled some traumatic lifestyle changes, the virus also unmasked some of the keys to leading a more meaningful life. The ambiguities will continue for the foreseeable future. But let’s continue to take the bad with the good and appreciate each change as, if nothing else, meant to be.

 

This article was originally published in the San Diego Jewish World

Shutterstock

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The Only 2 Things You Must Get Right for a Great Career https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/the-only-2-things-you-must-get-right-for-a-great-career/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/the-only-2-things-you-must-get-right-for-a-great-career/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 13:00:51 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=671339 Sam Altman’s vector theory of impact.

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The more you think of your career as the massive, complex, ever-changing pool of options it actually is, the harder you’ll find it to commit to a job you like — and the less happy said commitment will make you once you’ve made it.

You’ll constantly worry about which gig to choose next, and you’ll constantly feel anxious about whatever gig you’ve chosen. In other words: You’ll be right, but you’ll be miserable.

On Wait But Why, Tim Urban shares a great analogy about how our career landscape has changed in the past century: dots vs. tunnels.

He says traditional careers weren’t 40-year tunnels, but at the very least, they felt like it. “You picked your tunnel, and once you were in, that was that. You worked in that profession for 40 years or so before the tunnel spit you out on the other side into your retirement.”

Modern careers, on the other hand, are “long series of science experiments,” Tim says. We are the scientists, and each next job is a new dot in a connected, yet oddly shaped line of points.Referencing Steve Jobs’ connect-the-dots speech, Tim suggests our career paths look “more like a long series of connected dots than a straight and predictable tunnel.”

Seeing your career as a series of dots isn’t a mental trick to help you make decisions — it’s an accurate depiction of what’s actually happening. And seeing your career as a tunnel isn’t just unproductive — it’s delusional.

Everything Tim says is correct. There is incredible freedom in knowing not just that there’s an infinite number of great roles out there but also that, if you’re creative, you can make up your own.

It is important to truly understand and deeply internalize this fact — and yet it is equally important to not remind yourself of it every single day, because if you do, you’ll never get anything done.

The human brain thrives on shortcuts. It is an incredibly complex machine, capable of computing the most intricate details — but if that’s all it does, it’ll forever spin its wheels. Imagine we had to direct conscious thought to every slight movement we make: You could barely read this article, and I’d hardly be able to type it. We need filters to operate, and sometimes, the most blatant filters help us get the most done.

When it comes to your career, Sam Altman offers such a filter. He calls it the “vector theory of impact.”

Sam Altman ran Y Combinator for five years. Y Combinator is the single-most productive startup incubator on the planet. Since 2005, they have supported and invested in over 2,000 companies.Here’s a small selection you might recognize: Dropbox, Reddit, Twitch, Stripe, Coinbase, DoorDash, Instacart, and, oh, Airbnb.

Sam has worked with thousands of founders, some young, some old, but all longing for a both successful and meaningful career. As such, it bodes well to pay attention when he talks about the topic. A few weeks ago, Sam shared his vector theory on Twitter, and it boils the convoluted subject of careers down into just two factors we must get right: direction and magnitude.

The expected value of your impact on the world is like a vector. It is defined by two things: direction and magnitude. That’s it.

In math, a vector is simply a geometric object. It’s a map that describes how to get from point A to point B — where do you need to go and how long will you have to walk? Vectors are usually visualized with arrows, you might remember graphics like these from high school:

 

Image via Wikipedia

According to Sam, our careers are remarkably similar to these arrows, and direction is the main factor that’ll determine where you’ll end up:

Direction is what you choose to work on. Almost no one spends enough time thinking about this. A useful framework is to think on a long-but-not-too-long timescale (10–20 years seems to work), to think about where the world is going to go if current exponentials continue on (which is harder to do than it sounds like it should be), to think about what you’re genuinely interested in, and to think about what you can do better than anyone else (someone will always be better than you at any one thing — the easiest way to do something no one else can is to be 95th percentile at several skills, and to do something at their intersection). You also have to learn to trust yourself when people don’t see what you see.

I started working for myself six years ago. I gave myself every title in the book: entrepreneur, writer, freelancer, founder, translator, author, coach, investor, consultant, marketer — you name it, I “was” it. I was the arrogant kid yearning for every label that offered even a remote chance of fame and fortune.

About two years ago, I finally found the confidence to call myself a writer and writer alone. I cannot tell you how liberating that felt. It took a few years and the reassurance from seeing myself earn a full-time income definitely helped, but the truth is my frantic label-jumping was unnecessary all along.

In hindsight, it was easy to see that writing had carried me through all of it and to where I had gotten, and that it was the thing I kept returning to over and over again, no matter how shiny and promising other careers looked.

Being a writer is my direction, and while it in no way limits the specifics of how I’ll do the job each day (will I write books? Articles? Something else?), it is an amalgamation of the factors Sam talks about:

  • I can’t go from zero to world-class writer in two years, but in ten I can probably achieve a good deal.

 

  • The internet hasn’t even reached 100% of the world’s population, and yet every generation that follows is a generation of digital natives. Writing on the internet scales indefinitely for decades to come, and the cost of doing it and spreading the work is near zero, no matter how many people I want to reach.

 

  • I am genuinely interested in being genuinely interested. I can’t stick with any one topic for too long. I synthesize. I connect. I love spotting patterns from one arena in another, and while I’m neither the world’s greatest writer, thinker, trend spotter, or creative, I can pull together different ideas well enough to create something worthwhile you can learn from.

 

  • Having worked in this field since 2014, I’m 100% convinced that spending my time writing something that scales infinitely and can impact people for years to come is, in almost all cases, a better use of my time than doing one-off projects and freelance work, even if only a small fraction of what I write will ever reach the exact right person at the exact right time.

 

  • Choosing writing as my direction may sound like it makes my career a bit more “tunnel-y,” to go back to Tim Urban’s analogy, and, in a way, it does. Contrary to what you might expect from how Tim describes it, however, it provides me with a great sense of relief rather than depression.

 

For example, I still struggle sometimes — as we all do — to resist the call of money and fame. But now, if an opportunity comes a-knocking that’s well-paid but not aligned with my becoming a better writer at all, I find it much easier to say no. After all, there’s a reason we equate “tunnel vision” with target fixation — and when distractions abound, fixation can be a good thing.

Once your direction is set, magnitude will determine how fast you’ll reach your destination — and how far you’ll go in the first place, Sam says:

Magnitude is how hard you push in your chosen direction. Most people don’t push nearly hard enough — they give up too quickly, or care too much about what other people think, or don’t work hard enough, or something like that. Pushing hard is often uncomfortable, but it is how things get moved. Developing an early and strong sense of self-belief (but not so strong you don’t adapt to feedback and new data) is critical to this. Getting people to join your quest and inspiring them to outperform is usually critical — most really important things can only be done by teams. The easiest way to push hard over a long period of time seems to be to really care a lot about the work itself and the outcome you’re striving towards.

I was one lazy kid growing up. School was easy for me, so I got home, ate, did my homework in 20 minutes, and then played for hours. I cruised through life all the way until college, and even though that required me to step up my game quite a bit, I probably would have tried to keep avoiding work forever if I hadn’t developed a desire to be a writer — an unusual and unclear career path compared to everything I knew up to that point.

It took a lot of failure, motion without progress, and deep reflection for me to realize — at the ripe age of 21 — that no one was coming to save me, and that if I wanted certain things out of life, I would be the only one who cared enough to go out and get them. As a result, I worked hard from day one of self-employment.

Here’s how the magnitude factors Sam describes played out for me:

  • I was never tempted to quit writing because I always allowed myself to freely choose what I wanted to write about — at least to the point where I had always something fun to write that I was looking forward to.

 

  • I learned quickly that everyone has an opinion whether they share it or not, and while I did lose some friends over what I wrote throughout the years, the opinions of those people never felt like they carried enough weight to dissuade me. Everyone thinks they’re always right anyway, so I might as well keep doing what at least I know is right for me.

 

  • I worked about 60 hours on average each week for the first few years, and I did so mostly without fail. I often worked on weekends, and I took no two-week vacations, but I also enjoyed what I was doing, and I never really worked more than those 60 hours. I felt exhausted from time to time as we all do, but I never got even close to severe burnout or other mental issues.
  • With each piece I published, I became more confident, and now I trust myself enough to believe in what I publish above most irrelevant criticism — but I do I try to course-correct whenever someone shows me I’m wrong. For example, I updated my bio to a more true-to-myself version after a reader told me it sounded harsh compared to my usual writing tone.

 

  • The writer’s team-equivalent is an army of loyal readers. You can’t carry big ideas into the world alone, and I appreciate everyone who is or might one day be part of spreading an important concept of mine far and wide, whether it’ll be a book, an article, or just a tweet.

 

  • The more I write, the more I care that it matters what I say. Not in how it’s received but in how it’s perceived — by me and me alone. “Is this a unique enough twist? Have you ever seen this story before? Is this important or just indulgent?” I ask myself these things more and more.

 

To be clear: Direction trumps magnitude by a mile. It is no use to work extremely hard if you’re going entirely in the wrong direction. As Sam’s fellow world-class thinker Naval says: “Work as hard as you can. Even though what you work on and who you work with are more important.”

Working hard also isn’t just about long hours. Yes, it helps to put in time, especially in the beginning stages of your self-actualization journey, but don’t fool yourself: No one works consistent, productive 100-hour weeks.

The science is very clear on this. Cognitive function and creativity deteriorate significantly after about 55 hours per week, according to the famous Whitehall study among 2,000+ British civil servants. How much you can work productively also depends on your age. A study from The University of Melbourne with 6,000 participants indicates that for those over 40, anything more than 25 hours per week is unlikely to bear fantastic results.

All in all, magnitude is a calibration of your career’s direction rather than its primary determinant, for magnitude alone won’t mean anything without orientation — and, aimed at the wrong target, actively obstructs progress.

Freedom is wonderful. It is critical that we understand and make use of the freedom we have today when it comes to our careers. It is, however, not always conducive to be hyper-aware of this freedom all the time: In your everyday routine, you must take many little steps, and you can’t do so if you’re constantly busy worrying about the big picture.

Sam Altman’s vector theory is a useful tool in aligning yourself towards your true north while ensuring you keep marching without unnecessary delay.

Determining your direction will require a good amount of thought and reflection, but once it is set, it should not require constant revisiting — a few times a year or even less often should be enough.

Magnitude is a mere force multiplier on your chosen direction, and even though it is the less pressing part of your career vector, it is important enough to warrant the bigger share of your attention as you work day-in and day-out. “Am I working hard enough? Do I let other people make my decisions? What can I try here that I haven’t?” These are questions of magnitude, and they’ll help you accelerate once you’re going in the right direction.

It’s true that choosing a career has become infinitely more complex in the last few decades, but no matter how much freedom this complexity is attached to, giving it too much space in our brains will only make us unproductive and unhappy about whichever path we have chosen.

Humans thrive on simplicity, and even though our brains sometimes push this concept to the brink of naïveté and beyond, it is essential that we work with it rather than against it — that too is freedom, and a special kind at that. Or, as Sam would say when it comes to great careers:

I find it liberating that you only have to get two big things right!

This post was previously published on medium.com.

 


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No Wonder You Are Anxious https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/no-wonder-you-are-anxious-kpkn/ https://l2b2.com/?man=featured-content/no-wonder-you-are-anxious-kpkn/#respond Fri, 18 Jun 2021 12:30:50 +0000 https://l2b2.com/?man=?p=691330 Anxiety is the price I pay for being my own higher power. ~Katie Shannon

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The life coach Katie Shannon (and fellow Baltimorean) recently wrote something on Instagram that made me stop scrolling and put my phone down.

Anxiety is the price I pay for being my own higher power.

I pay a high price for my anxiety. I’m almost always worried about something.

Most of the day, I’m either fretting about getting more work done. Or judging myself for having too little money or too much fat on my stomach. Or wishing I’d said something different. Or people-pleasing. Or craving something to numb out with, like caffeine, alcohol, weed, masturbation, or shitty TV.

There are times when I feel a relative peace, sure. When my body relaxes, and my mind’s chattering fades into the background. When what’s happening in the moment is more interesting than the content of my thoughts.

But only when I’m with the right person and they’re giving me the right sort of attention. Or when I’m traveling somewhere new and exciting. Or when I’m just drunk or high enough.

And that’s Shannon’s point. At least how I read it.

I don’t resonate with the concept of a “higher power.” So, I think of it as “something beyond myself.” Or simply, “connection.”

Anxiety shows up when we’ve lost connection and think we have to do something to get it back.

If we work a little longer, then we’ll feel fulfilled. If we drink another beer, then we’ll feel relaxed. If we post the perfect post on Instagram, then we’ll feel loved.

Like so many things, this all goes back to our first few years of life. To when we were a baby, dependent on our parents and other caregivers to care for our needs.

Somewhere along the way we lost trust that our needs would be taken care of. Which is inevitable. No parent can provide all of their child’s needs 24/7.

This childhood distrust carried forward into our adult lives and shows up in different ways for each of us.

Maybe you don’t trust in the natural unfolding of life. You‘re afraid you’ll be bored if you let things happen on their own.

Maybe you don’t trust in life’s natural abundance. You don’t believe that there’s enough love and connection for you.

Maybe you don’t trust in life’s natural perfection. You can’t see that everything is whole and complete even if it’s imperfect.

Maybe you don’t trust in life’s natural oneness. You don’t trust that everything is connected even if it appears separate.

The bottom line is you don’t trust that you are worthy of love, connection, and wholeness. So you feel you have make it happen for yourself.

The spiritual teacher A. H. Almaas writes:

You try to relax, you try to quiet your mind, you try to make yourself feel better or make yourself feel worse. You are always interfering, trying to make something happen other than what is actually happening. You can only do this if you believe you have your own separate world and you can make things in it happen the way you want, while really, it is not your choice at all. You are alive today not because you want to be, but because the universe wants you to be.

Side note: That’s what’s so fucking aggravating about this capitalist, patriarchal, white supremacist society we live in.

It runs on anxiety. It normalizes a frantic energy to always be doing. To always be working, investing, building your resume, starting a side hustle, buying things, grinding, working out, vacationing in beautiful places, doing, doing, doing.

And then on top of that, the rich and powerful use fear and anxiety to keep us at each other’s throats. They use racism, sexism, and other ways to divide people to keep us from blaming them (and the political and economic systems that benefit them) for our suffering.

Luckily, I’ve found a few practices that dial down my anxiety most of the time.

Meditating regularly. Going to therapy. Connecting with nature on walks and hikes. Learning about capitalism, patriarchy, and white supremacy. Organizing in my community and workplace. Helping out with mutual aid in my neighborhood. These things help me feel stable, fulfilled, and connected, not grasping as hard for the next distraction.

But it’s when I remember that I don’t have to do anything to be okay — that I don’t have to be “my own higher power” — that I feel a simple, basic peace that reminds me of how connected with everything I truly am.

 

Previously Published on jeremymohler.blog

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